My Legacy In Three Words

I joined a blogging circle and as my first duty, I chose this week's topic.

I remember that years ago, I wanted to do a documentary about this.

Epitaphs used to be 3 words on your tombstone. That was all that someone would see in passing. Could you tell your story in three words? Are three words enough to determine a legacy?And what three words?

I decided to make that this week's topic. I want to determine my legacy. Here are my 3 words and why. 

Stay tuned, at the end of this, there will be a place for to see everyone else's legacy!!

Raconteur: 

I have always been a lover of words, I read at a very early age and loved the sound and look of language. I loved the rhythm of the way my Tejano family spoke Spanglish. I loved the musty smell of an old dictionary that had been my dad's. I was enchanted with the way the fit together. I would learn a word and use it over and over in a sentence until I knew the meaning and it sounded natural.

As I got older I realized that being a lover of words, I had developed a knack for relaying information. My vocabulary was large and lent itself to add drama and flair. I became the person that always told the anecdotal history of  things and then it evolved into public speaking and educating. 

Dissident:

if you ask my mom, she will tell you  that I have spent my entire life defying authority. That I have always chosen the hardest road possible for myself. That I do not rest until there are answers. I  am tireless in my quest for justice and fairness. I do not now, or ever, accept status quo. I rarely tire of questioning those in charge. And when I am in charge, I WANT people to question to me. I want to never be too powerful for the greater good of the cause. I am defiant. I am curious. I have always been someone that people respect but very few like. I am ok with that. Because the fight never ends.

I have struggled with this last one so much.  My own topic and I could not think of a third one. I kept starting to think I had found it and then as I would write about it, backspace became my friend. I wanted something that evoked a concept that was not as harsh as the other two. I wanted people to know that I was only 2/3 harsh. Then it hit me.

Explorer:

This is probably the most vulnerable I can possibly be about this topic. I just wanted a word that would hopefully reminded people that I tried. Everything. I searched the world for love, meaning, beauty, truth and myself.

Thank you for joining me on this journey. I hope that these change. I hope at 38 my legacy has yet to be deternined.

Transgender Day of Remembrance (FTM edition)

I hope that I am able to cover everything I want to cover for the next few days about the TDOR.

Having been involved in this community for years, I  have been so fortunate not to have suffered the same losses as other communities. So I want to honor the ones that  are still in my life and how they have impacted me. Adrian seemed like an obvious choice for the first post but that relationship requires a tremendous about of care and tenderness when I write about it, that I will wait.

I would like to talk about the first transman that set me on this course. 

Ryan is a beautiful, intense, empath that would cringe for me to talk about how important he is and how this is all his doing. I was drawn to him because he was androngynous, attractive, smart and would answer questions honestly. I was quite smitten with him.

Like I do with everyone, I wanted to provide a safe place for him to be on this journey. I cannot even express how actually complicated my relationship with Ryan is and how he not only set me on this course of advocacy but on the course to my Adrian. He is my family and a part of soul. 

Terry is a former partner of mine who started to medically transition and has subsequently stopped. When we were partners, I used exclusively male pronouns. While we are no longer in contact, the last time we spoke, I was encouraged to continue using male pronouns where he was concerned because that was the context of our relationship. 

Terry was a difficult and complex relationship. There was a lot of love for each other but a fundamental misunderstanding how to make our identities coexist. While I was with Terry, I learned a lot about myself and how to better articulate and advocate for the trans community. Explaining that not everyone identified the same way became part of my rhetoric and I learned to appreciate that from Terry.

Aiden should hate me but he doesn't. Aiden was pretty content in his life until Hurricane Amy came into the picture. I adore him and he is one of my best friends. He always thanks me for being so supportive of him but I think he forgets that he was fine until I opened my big mouth. He is smart and dedicated to helping others and I admire that in him. He is the glue that holds so many people together. I try to do the same for him.

Tony. My darling, sweet Mister T! Some people have a way of making you feel like you have known them forever. That is Tony. His emails are sometimes my saving grace. He is quiet and caring and the most wonderful friend. We spend most of our time communicating through BuzzFeed articles and emails. I often call him my fake Oklahoma boyfriend because he is so much like Adrian that I am often terrified. But when I we exchange emails, I feel like we provide a judgment free zone for each other. No one makes me laugh harder than he does. 

Now, my love, Adrian. I simply would not be who I am without him. He handed me a piece of paper covered in highlighted passages and a shorthand that I instinctively understood, that gave me the words of my own identity. He is the only person who can articulate things for me before I can. Our souls have known each other for countless lifetimes. He is my North Pole and my biggest cheerleader. He is the most brilliant person I know. His wry sense of humor is always way smarter than most people understand. I am sometimes uncomfortable with how easy it is for him to read me. The exchange is that I can see him as well. I feel like the English language doesn't have enough words to accurately describe what he means to me. 

These are only a FEW of the FTM's that have set me on this course. I love them dearly and feel overwhelmed that I am so lucky.

What I want to be when I grow up...

Ever since I can remember I wanted to be a mom. At 38, the reality of giving birth moves further and further away but this year, the clock was ticking really loudly and I began to research all my options and everything that I was reading was letting me know that it could actually be a possibility and what the reality of a pregnancy could be for someone my age.

I knew, as a queer with a trans partner that it would require some thought and money. I decided late one night to watch, The Business of Being Born. Of course, I was well aware of the healthcare as an industry of money and as a corrupt corporation. I knew about doulas and midwives and what they had done for women over the history of time (most of my aunts and uncles were NOT delivered at hospitals).

I woke up the next day with the most sense of calm. I knew I could do that. I knew that I could be a doula. I wasn't even sure if I was looking at the 'right' way, but I knew that it called to me. Deeply.

I started with just a trip to Google and immediately the definition of  'a woman who serves other women' came up. SHUT THE EFF UP. That is ME. I could not believe that everything in my life led me to effing google.

I thought about how it has been a mission in my advocacy to always empower anyone about their body. My idea of social justice is to provide a way for all identities and genders to take back their agency over their body that privilege has taken from them.

The things I am most passionate about(in no particular order):

• sex positivity
• women's reproductive health
• sexual health
• transgender bodies and their healthcare
• undocumented women and their access to healthcare

I was overwhelmed with the realization of how all of these intersections led me to this moment of the ultimate advocacy of the female body. I started to buy books and look into certification programs. I started to recognize all the things about my life that brought me to this point.

I have preparing for this my whole life without knowing about it.

I will be posting more about this because I want to dispel myths about doulas, hospitals, midwives and the birthing process.

I want to talk about how doulas can help with abortions, IFV, IUI, miscarriages, post partum help and so much more!

Forgive my excitement. I have been waiting to write about this and this still didn't make sense! Back to the books!

Comin' real, it's the next episode...

I guess writing every 11 months or so (at least publicly) is not really writing more. Or often. Fail.

I have joined a blogging group and I am hoping that with the different prompts, I will be able to not only do my usual snarky writing but some with actual substance. This entry is no such blog.

Right now I am co-chairing a committee to have an alternative prom for the LGBT youth of Southwest Oklahoma. I am also speaking at Cameron University's Gay-Straight Alliance for Transgender Remembrance Day next week and I feel like my cup runneth over with rainbow.

2013 has been a seriously difficult year. I started the year with my great love Mr. Elam and circumstances and needs required us to live apart from April-present.

It has not been the easiest thing in the world to be apart from the person who is your rock. The first few months were a terrible adjustment. Financially, we have struggled worse than before and we have had to decide major things in our relationship without the tenderness and physical proximity that deepens our emotional intimacy.

Yet, we are still here. And in some ways, closer than ever. This year was wrought with speed bump after speed bump but I am now even more sure of the fact that I supposed to build my life with him.

I turned 38 and celebrated 5 years post suicide attempt. Turning 38 is not a major milestone but the 5 year anniversary was a big deal and I am glad that I am a 5 year survivor of my own mental health demons and look forward to the next 5.

Today, I have much to do and really feel exhausted from the last few days but also exhilarated about possibilities.

In the last 5 years, I did not even imagine that this life is the one I would have or even build for myself, but damn it, I am sure grateful to have things I always wanted and things I never knew I always wanted.

Foodie Friday: Easiest Bread Recipe Ever

I have not ever been a serious baker until the last year. I found a recipe on AllRecipes that seemed simple and with minimal ingredients. I tried it and when I tell you it sucked. I mean it was sucked better than this

Anyway, I decided to do some research on bread baking and in particular, learned that I needed to trust my instincts and also that if the recipe has ingredients that taste like nothing, it will in fact taste like....

So here is my recipe for easy focaccia and also some tips that I think help in general with baking.

If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach the way to my transman's heart is with this bread. I think the fact that I make this twice a week is how I got the diamond.

Basic Focaccia Recipe

1 teaspoon of sugar

1 package of active dry yeast (when I know I am going to make a lot of bread, I buy the jar of yeast and use the conversion chart on the back but just in case you cannot be bothered it is 2 1/2 teaspoons or a "scant" tablespoon)

1/3 cup of warm water (this is important!!!! 110 degrees!)

plus a small amount of extra water

2 cups of all purpose flour

2 tablespoons of olive oil

Good Kosher salt or sea salt

Your favorite herbs (Today, I am using dried oregano, basil, garlic and rosemary)

The reason there are no measurements for the salt. This will be to your taste. If you like a pretty sodium free diet you will need only about 1/4 teaspoon. If you are like me and actually like your good to taste like food and not rubber cement you will need to up it some.

Also, I recommend listening to old Diana Ross, Prince and Katy Perry (don't judge me) while baking.

In a small bowl, dissolve sugar and yeast in warm water. Let stand until creamy, about 10 minutes.

 In a large bowl, combine the yeast mixture with flour; stir well to combine. Here is where adding salt becomes necessary. This dough by itself will make bread even if you don't add salt. However, the bread sucks. Start with 1/2 teaspoon of a good salt. Not table salt. Even if it is Morton Kosher salt, it is better than iodized salt.  Stir in additional water, 1 tablespoon at a time, until all of the flour is absorbed. I tend to like my dough dryer on the outside and moist on the inside. When the dough has pulled together, turn it out onto a lightly floured surface and knead briefly for about 1 minute

 Lightly oil a large bowl, place the dough in the bowl and turn to coat with oil. Cover with a damp cloth and let rise in a warm place until doubled in volume, about 30 minutes. (TIP: WITH THE WEATHER BEING COOLER, IT IS HARD TO FIND THE PERFECT WAY TO LET YOUR DOUGH RISE, THIS IS BY FAR MY BEST TIP--- WHILE YOU ARE MIXING YOUR DOUGH, HEAT YOUR OVEN TO 200 DEGREES. WHEN YOU ARE READY TO LET IT RISE, PLACE IT THE OVEN AND TURN THE OVEN OFF. IT WILL KEEP THE DOUGH AT AN IDEAL TEMP AND YOU WILL NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT FALLING. I TEND TO LET MINE RISE LONGER THAN 30 MINUTES BECAUSE I AM LAZY AND THE RESULTS ARE ALWAYS GOOD)

 I spray the bowl with Pam to keep it from sticking. And then coat with olive oil.for the flavor.

 The damp towel is going to provide enough moisture for the dough, however your dough will stick to the towel. Don't freak out, it's easily washable.

 I always leave the light one in the oven when it is rising. I don't know why, maybe I am nosy or superstitious. Either way, here is the dough rising and my feet.

tights, bare feet and apron. in the kitchen. I am not pregnant.

 

 Preheat oven to 475 degrees F (245 degrees C).

Deflate the dough and turn it out onto a lightly floured surface; knead briefly. Pat or roll the dough into a sheet and place on a lightly greased baking sheet. I dimple  the dough with oil and sprinkle with salt and herbs. The salt herb ratio is up to you. my exact measurements are "a pinch or so of everything"

 It needs to look rustic and my rustic I mean like your dog rolled out because he has no thumbs.

 I like to make sure that every dimple has olive oil in it. Two tablespoons is exactly what it takes for bread this size.

 OMG, HURRY UP. I WANT A CIGARETTE

Bake focaccia in preheated oven for 10 to 20 minutes, depending on desired crispness. If you like it moist and fluffy, then you'll have to wait just about 10 minutes. If you like it crunchier and darker in the outside, you may have to wait 20 minutes.

This is at about 11 minutes. We like ours more like bread and less like communion wafer.

I was able to cut that into 8 pieces.

I hope you guys enjoyed this. It was fun but later intensive. I think I have figured out what do for next Foodie Friday so I will be more prepared. Thanks for reading!

 Happiness Project
January 4, 2013
I am happy that I did not kill anyone trying to figure how to do a food blog.

Makeup: How I spend my money

I get asked a lot of questions about make up and beauty stuff so I thought that I would do a blog post with some of my favorite things and why I love them so much. Today I have chosen Foundation!  I imagine not many of you will super interested in this post but I resolved to write more authentically and I am a bit obsessive over make up so this is as authentic as it gets!

Foundation:

I have large pores and super oily skin. I like full coverage foundation but when I am having a good skin day, I like a little less coverage. Here is my breakdown.

Full Coverage (High End)
-MAC Studio Fix Fluid
Maybe it was because when I went to get matched my counter girl was awesome or maybe it was because I didn't have to buy my first MAC foundation (it was a gift) that made me love this foundation. I am a NW20 in MAC and the color is SPOT ON. How is a Mexican with freckles so white you ask? That, I am afraid, I have no answer for but this foundation applies wonderfully for me. I use a duo fiber stippling brush and with or without face primer, it always looks great. The coverage is perfect, the staying power is fantastic and it takes a LONG time for it to breakdown on oily skin. If you do not require full coverage or have oily skin, this foundation will feel heavy on you. I have also found that it lasts a long time. Maybe because the coverage is so good that you don't have to use as much, or maybe because I experiment with so many products it seemed to last a long time, whatever the case, I got my best friend's money out that bottle.

Full Coverage (Drugstore)
-Revlon Colorstay
It will be hard to find an overall better drugstore brand than Revlon. Some of their products are pricier than Wet N Wild or Rimmel but you absolutely get what you pay for! This is stuff on your face and eyes, why not get the best you can afford? Anyway, Revlon Colorstay is fantastic. The shades are plentiful and I recommend if you get matched MAC taking your bottle. Or using a foundation matrix to see what shade is your best match. I do think that the foundation appears lighter in the bottle. My match is Sand Beige and when I saw it without swatching or trying it out, I was so afraid it was too light. Once I applied it, it was a good match. The color is not as true as the MAC but a maybe a half step lighter. The next shade up would have been way too dark. My only real complaint about this foundation is that it absolutely needs a primer on oily skin or it will break down. There is nothing worse than going to Safeway and you look like your face is sliding off.

Light-Medium Coverage

High End- Chanel Aqua Vita Lumiere
 .-Surely, with the word Aqua in the title, you will know that this foundation is liquid-ey. Shake it up really well . I dot mine on my face and then buff it on. The most interesting thing about this foundation to me is the colors. Do not be surprised if you go to the counter to get matched and there are several potential colors. I took my best gay with me to get matched and he ended up choosing the shade that looked best on me. He chose one the beige rose options. In my opinion, if you can be matched to a beige rose option in Chanel, DO IT. The coverage is not great, but you will always look flushed and luminous. It photographed beautifully. I know some people prefer Estee Lauder to this Chanel foundation and I think if you just want a standard color, Lauder is the way to go. If you want something that looks fabulous and smells rich and decadent. Quit buying crap makeup for one month and get the Chanel. The Chanel counter is good about sampling. A drag queen I know went through a rigorous hiring process to become a Chanel MUA. However, when I casually asked him, "I am a NW20 in MAC, what is my Chanel shade?" He immediately sent me all my options. I can assume that their training is top notch because he was pretty aware very early on.

Drugstore- N/A

I am experimenting with one now, by Revlon. It is also part of the Colorstay family, It is the whipped one in the jar. It looks like it would be thick and cakey. It actually seems light in texture. So far, what I love about it, is that texture is light and it has buildable coverage. when I first put it on, I WAS PISSED. I thought, this looks horrible, it hasn't covered a freaking thing. In all fairness, it felt like my face had NOTHING on it, it was so light. To apply this one, I used a flat top DENSE kabuki brush. It went on nicely, to build up the coverage, I spritzed the brush with MAC's Fix + Spray. This was the key! The coverage and overall look improved. I got several compliments about how good my skin looked but what impressed me the most was its staying power. 14 hours. That is crazy!

Notes of Importance:

• Unless I am going to Rite-Aid to get tampons. I always use a primer.
• I always set with Forever DiorSkin powder. It is the only powder I will ever use. 
• I don't believe in makeup "no buys". Everyone has something they love to collect, if yours is makeup, go for it. If it is Hummel figurines, get help.
• Sometimes, there isn't a cheaper alternative. 
• You know your face better than anyone, trust your instincts! 

The Happiness Project
January 3, 2013

I am happy because I have not entered into some menstrual induced rage today.

and they were all yellow... Vol. 1

Today is Adrian's birthday! It is also his manniversary! Two birthdays in one! We often get asked about our "love story" and so here it goes.

One of my dearest friends Jim, started the Gay/Straight alliance at the local university in Lawton, Oklahoma. He was also the door guy at the only local gay watering hole and spent months encouraging all of us to come out and support.

I had a different partner at the time and we spent the better part of our relationship hating each other but we ended up going to the meeting to support Jim. As I sat down at the table, there was this really hot, quiet girl at the end, sitting on Jim's right. She was reading the local gay publication but kept staring at me, I kept staring back. She was wearing a yellow button down shirt. I was wearing a OKC Pride t shirt and these ugly cotton shorts. OH and birkenstocks. Gimme a break, I was every bit the '90's lesbian! We barely paid attention to what Jim was saying because we kept sneaking peeks at each other, when we would catch the other one staring, we would quickly look down, I probably read what was in front of me, 15 times.

Years go by, and I find out her name was Danielle and soon realize we have a mutual friend and end up being introduced and running into each other at the aforementioned watering hole, we shamelessly flirt (both out of our relationships) and later that night ended up at the same party. We ended up sitting on the floor, drunkenly talking about history, identity, politics and flirting. I needed to go and before she could kiss (which she didn't) she gave me a yellow balloon. We were at a birthday party and it was the closest thing. I held onto that balloon and couldn't wait to see her again. I kept kicking myself over and over again for not asking for her number.

Another few years and a relationship later, now it is my turn to be employed at the bar and I am bartending one day and see her and her friends have come in for an evening of debauchery. As I take everyone's drink order, someone offers her a beer, to which I reply:

"Oh, I got hers. I am buying her beer."

Knowing glances were exchanged and suddenly she kept coming up to my line to get beer which I kept buying.

A few weeks go by and suddenly I am seeing her more often. We discuss her work at the university, I buy more beer and then finally I make the move and say "We should go grab coffee." She agrees and we exchange numbers.

Week One of number exchange- No call

Week One and a Half of number exchange- No Call

Week Two of number exchange-NO CALL

Week 2.1 of number exchange- I call.

She's on vacation. Gets home later that night. Oops.

(In my defense, shouldn't something like vacation be mentioned??)

The next day, I get a call and she says "I was thinking of going to dinner instead of coffee".

Well, we all know that DINNER is SO not the same as getting coffee.

We agree to go to an incredibly nice restaurant where we had Pinot Grigio and we once again, tuned out the world and focused on each other.

"What is your middle name?"
"Danielle is my middle name. My first name is actually Adrienne but no one ever calls me that."
"Oh really? I like 'Adrienne', it suits you. I think I will call you that. Is that ok?"
"I think it's perfect."


 It was a great date, with a great kiss at the end.

The next few months were hard. My relationship had a lot of loose ends and I was not really great at tying them up. As a matter of fact, I walked away from amazing chemistry and chose my old relationship.

One day I am coming out of my history class and there she is, standing in the hallway waiting for me. My heart jumped. She said she needed to talk to me, could I talk after class? I said sure. We walked to the library and made small talk. The chemistry was electric and we both knew it. We went into the stacks of the university library. The same campus where we exchanged stolen glances 5 years before. She sat me down and told me she was transitioning. I did not flinch, I did not balk. I need not even move. I simply said.

"I guess it is a good thing I have been calling you Adrian this whole time"
"Yeah, I guess it is"

That is not the point where my ex girlfriend becomes my current boyfriend. The second volume of this story will come at another time. Maybe tomorrow. Right now, I wanted to get down how it started.


I hope you guys enjoyed reading volume 1!


The Happiness Project
January 2, 2013

I am happy that my love story has volumes and that I get to celebrate the birth of my love.

I resolve...

I said on facebook that one of my resolutions is to write often. I am challenging myself to do that. When I write, I usually write about politics, identity or random musings. Essentially, what I assume that people want to hear from me and not necessarily what I want to write. So I am guessing that my resolution is to actually write more authentically about what I want to write about and if it ends up that I write the same way then I guess that is who I am...

2012 was a really big year for me, I did a lot of things that I have always wanted to do, I stood up for myself more, I ran a 5k, I lost weight, I expressed my needs, I got engaged and I moved to the Pacific Northwest. I got a tattoo and cut off all my hair. I learned how to be ok with loneliness and I learned how to slow down when I broke my ankle.

I turned 37 and wondered how at 37 I know nothing when I remember my mom being 37 and knowing everything.

I walked away from friendships and families that did not improve the quality of my life and learned that intimacy is scary but totally worth it.

Adrian got a 5 year Happiness Journal. Every day for 5 years he writes one sentence about what made him happy that day. I am sure that some of the days it will be a struggle to find out what he was happy about...when monotony and real life take over, it is hard to remember if you laughed or felt joy that day. And I am sure there will be days that one sentence will not cover the joy he has experienced. I agreed to do the experiment with him. Only I will do mine publicly.

January 1, 2013:

I am happy that I am strong enough to live this life.

50 Shades of Bullshit: Women, Paul Ryan and Choice

I am really good at getting worked up about things that I am passionate about. I start getting even more verbose than usual and I summon every bit of energy in my 5'3" body and practically start wielding a rolling pin ready to beat ANYTHING. It can be exhausting. But today was a different story. Today this story came way and I became so incensed and so furious that I knew I had to say something.

So, rape is just another method of conception?

Hmm, let me see. The word "method" is actually defined as:

a procedure, technique, or way of doing something,especially in accordance with a definite plan

So, yeah, I am guessing rape can be a method of conception, FOR THE FUCKING RAPIST. 

Where is the survivor in all of this logic? Oh wait, that would require that Paul Ryan be logical and/or make sense. Neither of which seems to be the case.

I need to calm down for just a second, sip my coffee and breathe before I go on. 

So, all of this is about abortion? Being so pro-life that forcing women to carry to term a ill-gotten, unwanted child is qualified and validated. I don't think so. Am I making sense? Probably not. But I will, give me a second.

I want to avoid all the obvious arguments for being pro-choice because, frankly, if you are reading this and pro-life a la Ryan, I am not going to change your mind. If you are pro-choice, you have made all of those arguments for yourself and so that seems moot to preach to the choir. 

I would like to tell you what disgusts me.

It disgusts me that the Romney/Ryan ticket are throwing conservative Mardi Gras beads and women are going out of their way to flash their tits for them. Get a life. Get a clue. You don't think about the world outside of your subdivision and golden retriever (no offense to Golden owners who are not idiots). 

The ramifications of taking away of a woman's right to choose what is best for her body, is BIGGER THAN MICHELE BACHMANN'S HAIR.

It is, in my opinion, our nation's version of female circumcision. If you have no idea what female circumcision is, all I have to say is that Google is your friend and you should consult her about it. In effect when certain societies do ritualistic female circumcision, it robs women of their body, it takes away her ability to enjoy sex,  it is dehumanizing and horrific to hear the screams of the girls being robbed of their bodies. It is a decision imposed on them by the men of their tribes and the women, remembering their own experiences grieve for their daughters but do not know how to stop it. 

WOMEN WHO SUPPORT THIS TICKET, THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING. ROBBING YOU, YOUR DAUGHTERS AND YOUR MOTHERS OF THEIR BODIES. SHAME ON YOU.

You can be pro-life for your own life. I get it. Quit fucking assuming that Pro-Choice means PRO ABORTION! KILL THE FETUS! It means, I GET TO FUCKING CHOOSE AND GUESS WHAT, IT MEANS YOU DO TOO! YOU GET TO CHOOSE NOT TO HAVE ONE!!! 

It is that fucking simple. Just a sec, I need to put the rolling pin down, the barista looks scared.


Ok, so back to the rambling.

Taking away the ownership of my body is unacceptable. Is all about desexualizing women? 

I don't get it. We cannot make decisions for ourselves but when raped we need to let the capes fall out of our Super Snatch's and force our body to reject the bad seed? How does this even make sense?

 It doesn't. Not in my world. 

I am tired of the shame and humiliation that is forced on women over this issue. There always seems to be someone willing to talk about how getting an abortion ruined their life and that is why we should ban them.

So, I am going to find someone whose life wasn't ruined by getting an abortion. OH WAIT.

My name is Amy Merchant. I had an abortion in 1994. It didn't ruin my life. It made me sad for awhile. It made me reevaluate my decisions. It made appreciate my mom. It made me take responsibility for my sexuality. It made me understand consequence. It made me grateful for choice.

Identity, Oppression and Taking a Stand

I have been wanting to post this blog for awhile, the funny thing about this subject is that I am always hesitant to talk about it in writing because it feels like I won't ever be able to change what I think or feel...

At this point though, I am fucking over it. I don't care. It needs to be said, and so here I am writing about what is one of things most important to me.

Identity.

It's like a thumbprint, right? Unique and personal.

For the last ten years, I have made an important distinction when vocalizing my identity. I began using the term queer. I did this as a response to the lesbian community. My partner at the time identified as FTM and our friends would ask me, "What does that make you?". As if I was so aligned with my partner that I could not think for myself. That somehow his identity dictated mine. So I started using queer, it felt WAY less limiting than "lesbian" or "gay". I would still, when talking to non-queer identified people (i.e, hetero-normative), would use those rather limiting terms because it was what I thought was safest. I thought, 'well, those are things that people sorta understand', and I would just use them to pacify people. I know now that I underestimated people and I discounted my own identity.

I will never do that again.

Why is this important to me after all these years? Actually, it has been important to me all this time, I was just not always willing to get into the discussion of all of the distinctions that came into play with my identity. I didn't have the energy to explain to people that while my relationship (past and present) would be perceived as a "straight" relationship, that it was far from "straight". I didn't have the inclination to explain that I was attracted to all genders and that being femme was a big deal to me. I had a litany of stock answers that explained what I wanted. If someone wanted more and genuinely seemed interested in learning, I would expound.

When the Chick-Fil-A fiasco happened a few weeks ago, all of what I felt came to a head when gay identified people and their allies, felt that I needed to be more impassioned about the cause. I wish I could. I wish that what CFA did with their money was of major significance to my life. It just isn't. I feel that there are much bigger issues in Queer identified community and it's first cousin, the Gay community, than CFA. I stand by that.

Keep in mind, the queer community is it's own movement. It is NOT the same as the Gay community. I can find you a dozen queer people to explain that distinction. I could find you a dozen Gay people who don't understand that distinction. That is problematic. When either community cannot see each other, that to me is a bigger issue. Not one member of the queer community chastised me for my opinions. We were all in agreement, we were all for marriage equality. We found the money that was donated to ex-gay ministry's reprehensible. We just knew it wasn't the fight we wanted to fight. Is that seriously so wrong? It was mentioned to me that by not freaking out about CFA, I was siding with the oppressor. And to that, I say, GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Assuming you understand my identity, my journey, my politics and my philosophy without asking, is FUCKING OPPRESSIVE. Telling me how to think and feel about YOUR passions, is FUCKING OPPRESSIVE. Failing to understand that YOUR opinion is not the ONLY opinion, is FUCKING OPPRESSIVE.

 And, I will never be on that side.

"Everything that keeps me together is falling apart "

I am so excited to have my blog back. It seemed like I had a million things to write about and then as soon as I figured out how to get back into this blog, NOTHING. Writer's block. Curse you. I am sure if I was just going to post a facebook status, I would be insanely verbose.

Let's see what we can talk about...

Oh, I know!!!

So, this  time of year, I am always really reflective. 4 years ago, on August 12, I tried to kill myself. In a desperate attempt to rid myself of all the emotional debris of a failed relationship, I wanted out. Every year at this time, I, of course, am incredibly grateful to be alive. I have always been fortunate enough to have a very privileged life. Not just in terms of finances and material things but in friendships, love and experiences. I recognize it as privilege and have spent a good bit of time not appreciating my life. All of that changed 4 years ago. Because frankly, pre 'deep end' Amy was a bitch. An absolute crazy bitch. Struggling with mental illness and my mental health over the course of my lifetime has probably been the biggest battle of my life. In some ways, it has been crippling and my inability to cope with it has led to catastrophic events in my life but on the other hand, it has totally set me up and prepared me for a life of total gratitude.

It is truly frustrating to think that it took me reaching the lowest point in my life to appreciate what I had the good fortune of always having.

In some ways I have lived 36.75 years but I have only been alive 4.

That's fucking powerful.

Even a crazy bitch can recognize that.

Song of the Day: 3rd Planet-Modest Mouse

Semi Productive Playlist

I know I bitched about the heat yesterday but today it made me want to do NOTHING. I got the bare minimum done. Folded laundry, washed one load, and made myself home made sweet potato fries...I am such a slacker. Oh, I dyed my hair as well...not bad for someone who waited all day to watch The Duggar special on TLC.

I really have nothing new to report and most people don't want to hear about the move everyday so here is my semi-productive playlist for today:

Silver Springs- Fleetwood Mac
It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)- R.E.M.
Got To Be Real-Cheryl Lynn
Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)- Looking Glass
Summer Day- Coconut Records
Send Me On My Way-Rusted Root
Material Girl- Madonna
Check Yo' Self- Ice Cube
Lust for Life-Iggy Pop and The Stooges
Bizarre Love Triangle- New Order

the heat, the clinginess of Monkey, packing

This is seriously the hottest June in Oklahoma I have ever witnessed. I am so over it. 112 is something I would expect in August. Not now. I have spent days on the couch not moving for fear of perspiration. I have watched more Food Network (which I hate) and Criminal Minds than I care to admit.

The dog is even more clingy that usual. Which sucks for me because I have now convinced myself that he understands when I say I am moving and that he doesn't want me to go. I think if he could talk and tell me that then I would probably consider staying. That is how important my baby is to me.

My to do list of things pre-move seems to endless...I guess instead of worrying about Hotchner and the gang over at Criminal Minds I should be accomplishing things on my list.

• laundry
• pack shoes
• transfer all my music to my Mac
• pack beauty products (flat iron, blow dryer, makeup , hair stuff)
• pack books
• pack cook books (this was the first thing I packed)

I guess I will update this list as needed.

I need coffee.

I'm headed back home to the West Coast (THE BIG MOVE)

I am moving. Some people were shocked by this. I am leaving in 6 weeks. yeah, I get that it is kinda sudden. I get that seems like it came from out of no where. And maybe it did, but this is something I need to do for me. I have been trying to give Lawton all I have and frankly, it is not working.

Not that I owe anyone an explanation but here is what I will be doing. Going to City College of San Francisco and finding any job I can ASAP. My goal is next fall to be in the History Honors Program at San Francisco State University.

I am sad about leaving my kids and my mom and my dog. I will miss my friends terribly. But I am guessing with iChat, Skype, Gmail video chat and everything else available, it won't really be like missing them.

the name of this blog is The Reinvention of Amy.

This is just another part of my reinvention.

Writers Block

I am so sick of writing. Which is funny from someone who has barely blogged in months. School and the magazine wear me out with the writing. I wish I had more energy to write about something interesting, alas, I got nothing. Seriously.

school, nerves, grilled cheese and incense

Today was the last day of my first semester back to school in forever...I am waiting for my grades in one class to see if I will be celebrating or mourning.

I am actually kinda proud of myself. I took a full load and all of it was online. I wasn't ever sure that I would be able to finish it all and there were a few times that I thought WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING??? Now I have about two weeks off until the summer session starts and I hope that those two weeks will be enough time to recharge my batteries and get excited about school.

I have a lot on my brain. I want to move to California, I want to do well in school, I want to train my dog to make me a grilled cheese and I want to lose 60 pounds overnight. I am aware of the odds.

Lately people have been getting on my nerves in record numbers... all of these groups on facebook make me nuts, half of the people I have met through them are amazing and I enjoy reading what they have to say and I cannot believe how smart and interesting they are...I myself wonder why we are friends because while they update about brilliant books and politics, I am updating about Ke$ha and who knows what else... but the others, oh yes, the others, send me over the fucking edge. I mean seriously, you all have NOTHING better to do than talk? ACT. DO. SHUT UP.

One of my favorite stores in San Francisco is a place called The Pink Lotus it smells like incense and always has Ganesh and Buddha everywhere. The lady that runs it wants to change the name from The Pink Lotus to My Darling. MY DARLING???!!!!! Who will shop there??  My office smells like sandalwood and has Ganesh all over it...I have turned into The Pink Lotus lady. Which wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't crazy as a loon.

Soundtrack 3.20.11

Here With Me-Dido

I Know, I Know- Tegan and Sara

Love You 'Till The End- The Pogues

Cigarettes and Wedding Bands- Band of Horses

Run-Snow Patrol

Whadda Ya Want From Me- Adam Lambert

Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want- The Smiths

Lover Lay Down-Dave Matthews Band

Both Sides Now-Joni Mitchell

The Ocean Breathes Salty- Modest Mouse

Soundtrack 3.19.11

1. White Blank Page-Mumford and Sons

2. Rolling In The Deep-Adele

3. The Ends- The Naked and Famous

4. All of This- The Naked and Famous

5. Wave of Mutilation- Pixies

6. It's The End of the World As We Know It (And I feel fine)-REM

7. Boy-Ra Ra Riot

8. I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)- The Proclaimers

9. It Was a Good Day- Ice Cube

10. Breathe Me-Sia

Soundtrack for 3.18.11

1. Come On Get Higher-Matt Nathanson

2. Run-Snow Patrol

3. Volcano-Damien Rice

4. I will follow you into the dark-Death Cab for Cutie

5. Joyful Girl- Dave Matthews

6. Young Blood-The Naked and Famous

7. Ghost- Indigo Girls

8. Boats and Birds-Gregory and the Hawk

9. Don't Leave Home-Dido

10. Fidelity- Regina Spektor

What would make you feel embarrassed in public?

Question number two on the reconnect with yourself experiment.

What would make you feel embarrassed in public?

My goodness. This is a blog not a novella.

I think the biggest thing is probably being made to look stupid. That seems redundant though...hmmm. Lemme think...I guess something that really embarrasses me is when I am reactionary. I used to do that a lot. Fly off the handle and become chaos theory personified. Thankfully there is medicine for that.

Anyway, 99% of the time, I would regret it. And would write it off as the fact that I am "passionate". I am passionate. But reactionary was something I had to learn to make distinctions about and learn that people were causing me to be reactionary and causes were why I was passionate.

I am sure my days of "showing out" in public are not done and I am sure that I will do worse things to embarrass myself...like falling "up" stairs...not that I've done that or anything. Well, you can't prove it.