school, nerves, grilled cheese and incense

Today was the last day of my first semester back to school in forever...I am waiting for my grades in one class to see if I will be celebrating or mourning.

I am actually kinda proud of myself. I took a full load and all of it was online. I wasn't ever sure that I would be able to finish it all and there were a few times that I thought WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING??? Now I have about two weeks off until the summer session starts and I hope that those two weeks will be enough time to recharge my batteries and get excited about school.

I have a lot on my brain. I want to move to California, I want to do well in school, I want to train my dog to make me a grilled cheese and I want to lose 60 pounds overnight. I am aware of the odds.

Lately people have been getting on my nerves in record numbers... all of these groups on facebook make me nuts, half of the people I have met through them are amazing and I enjoy reading what they have to say and I cannot believe how smart and interesting they are...I myself wonder why we are friends because while they update about brilliant books and politics, I am updating about Ke$ha and who knows what else... but the others, oh yes, the others, send me over the fucking edge. I mean seriously, you all have NOTHING better to do than talk? ACT. DO. SHUT UP.

One of my favorite stores in San Francisco is a place called The Pink Lotus it smells like incense and always has Ganesh and Buddha everywhere. The lady that runs it wants to change the name from The Pink Lotus to My Darling. MY DARLING???!!!!! Who will shop there??  My office smells like sandalwood and has Ganesh all over it...I have turned into The Pink Lotus lady. Which wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't crazy as a loon.

Soundtrack 3.20.11

Here With Me-Dido

I Know, I Know- Tegan and Sara

Love You 'Till The End- The Pogues

Cigarettes and Wedding Bands- Band of Horses

Run-Snow Patrol

Whadda Ya Want From Me- Adam Lambert

Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want- The Smiths

Lover Lay Down-Dave Matthews Band

Both Sides Now-Joni Mitchell

The Ocean Breathes Salty- Modest Mouse

Soundtrack 3.19.11

1. White Blank Page-Mumford and Sons

2. Rolling In The Deep-Adele

3. The Ends- The Naked and Famous

4. All of This- The Naked and Famous

5. Wave of Mutilation- Pixies

6. It's The End of the World As We Know It (And I feel fine)-REM

7. Boy-Ra Ra Riot

8. I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)- The Proclaimers

9. It Was a Good Day- Ice Cube

10. Breathe Me-Sia

Soundtrack for 3.18.11

1. Come On Get Higher-Matt Nathanson

2. Run-Snow Patrol

3. Volcano-Damien Rice

4. I will follow you into the dark-Death Cab for Cutie

5. Joyful Girl- Dave Matthews

6. Young Blood-The Naked and Famous

7. Ghost- Indigo Girls

8. Boats and Birds-Gregory and the Hawk

9. Don't Leave Home-Dido

10. Fidelity- Regina Spektor

What would make you feel embarrassed in public?

Question number two on the reconnect with yourself experiment.

What would make you feel embarrassed in public?

My goodness. This is a blog not a novella.

I think the biggest thing is probably being made to look stupid. That seems redundant though...hmmm. Lemme think...I guess something that really embarrasses me is when I am reactionary. I used to do that a lot. Fly off the handle and become chaos theory personified. Thankfully there is medicine for that.

Anyway, 99% of the time, I would regret it. And would write it off as the fact that I am "passionate". I am passionate. But reactionary was something I had to learn to make distinctions about and learn that people were causing me to be reactionary and causes were why I was passionate.

I am sure my days of "showing out" in public are not done and I am sure that I will do worse things to embarrass myself...like falling "up" stairs...not that I've done that or anything. Well, you can't prove it.

Question # 1

If you missed the story behind these questions you can find it here


1. What is that thing that no one, not even your partner, your mother or your best friend, knows about you?


 Boy. they know how to start this off, don't they...I am pretty much an open book. But there are a few things that any of those people don't know about me but if I had to pick one, I would say that I wish I would have the chance, just once to meet my sperm donor. I would have liked to have seen if we had matching freckles and did he love the taste of beer. Did he suffer from mental illness? Did I get all my bad habits from him?

I don't think I have ever told anyone this because you shouldn't want to meet the douche that abandoned you when you were in utero.  You are supposed to hate him on principle. Trust me, I do.

But I'd like to have someone to blame for my inability to tan,

Cook.Write. Change.

I have been looking for a way to get inspired since my break up. Yeah, I know I haven't written about it and frankly I don't think I am ready to write about it right now. But like most people, after a crappy break up, you start to wonder what the hell is wrong with you. I decided that I needed to go on my own personal journey...my own eat, pray, love so to speak...only mine is called Cook, Write, Change. I have always loved to cook and really use it as a way to express my love for people. What am I going to cook? I don't know. With countless cookbooks, I am sure I can find something. And it has to be a recipe it can't be something I just whip up. That is too easy for me. Way too easy. I need to learn the patience and gratification of following a recipe. That sometimes it is perfect exactly as it is. I plan to document my cooking here on the blog with recipes, pics and video if possible.

Ok, so that takes care of Cook...now what about write? Well, I write two columns a month, I am a student. I blog AND I journal. A lot of writing. But, how can I really challenge myself? I found it  here.

 These 62 questions I will answer on my blog. Even the super personal ones. No holding back. I am not sure how often I will answer them, but this will certainly be a challenge.

Now we are onto Change. Change what? I want to change everything. The world. Myself. My community. My hair. Whatever it is, I want change. Why? Because the fear of change stifles. It is the worst kind of drug. And frankly, I have been mainlining it for years.