I said on facebook that one of my resolutions is to write often. I am challenging myself to do that. When I write, I usually write about politics, identity or random musings. Essentially, what I assume that people want to hear from me and not necessarily what I want to write. So I am guessing that my resolution is to actually write more authentically about what I want to write about and if it ends up that I write the same way then I guess that is who I am...
2012 was a really big year for me, I did a lot of things that I have always wanted to do, I stood up for myself more, I ran a 5k, I lost weight, I expressed my needs, I got engaged and I moved to the Pacific Northwest. I got a tattoo and cut off all my hair. I learned how to be ok with loneliness and I learned how to slow down when I broke my ankle.
I turned 37 and wondered how at 37 I know nothing when I remember my mom being 37 and knowing everything.
I walked away from friendships and families that did not improve the quality of my life and learned that intimacy is scary but totally worth it.
Adrian got a 5 year Happiness Journal. Every day for 5 years he writes one sentence about what made him happy that day. I am sure that some of the days it will be a struggle to find out what he was happy about...when monotony and real life take over, it is hard to remember if you laughed or felt joy that day. And I am sure there will be days that one sentence will not cover the joy he has experienced. I agreed to do the experiment with him. Only I will do mine publicly.
January 1, 2013:
I am happy that I am strong enough to live this life.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Monday, August 27, 2012
50 Shades of Bullshit: Women, Paul Ryan and Choice
I am really good at getting worked up about things that I am passionate about. I start getting even more verbose than usual and I summon every bit of energy in my 5'3" body and practically start wielding a rolling pin ready to beat ANYTHING. It can be exhausting. But today was a different story. Today this story came way and I became so incensed and so furious that I knew I had to say something.
So, rape is just another method of conception?
Hmm, let me see. The word "method" is actually defined as:
It is that fucking simple. Just a sec, I need to put the rolling pin down, the barista looks scared.
Ok, so back to the rambling.
So, rape is just another method of conception?
Hmm, let me see. The word "method" is actually defined as:
a procedure, technique, or way of doing something,especially in accordance with a definite plan
So, yeah, I am guessing rape can be a method of conception, FOR THE FUCKING RAPIST.
Where is the survivor in all of this logic? Oh wait, that would require that Paul Ryan be logical and/or make sense. Neither of which seems to be the case.
I need to calm down for just a second, sip my coffee and breathe before I go on.
So, all of this is about abortion? Being so pro-life that forcing women to carry to term a ill-gotten, unwanted child is qualified and validated. I don't think so. Am I making sense? Probably not. But I will, give me a second.
I want to avoid all the obvious arguments for being pro-choice because, frankly, if you are reading this and pro-life a la Ryan, I am not going to change your mind. If you are pro-choice, you have made all of those arguments for yourself and so that seems moot to preach to the choir.
I would like to tell you what disgusts me.
It disgusts me that the Romney/Ryan ticket are throwing conservative Mardi Gras beads and women are going out of their way to flash their tits for them. Get a life. Get a clue. You don't think about the world outside of your subdivision and golden retriever (no offense to Golden owners who are not idiots).
The ramifications of taking away of a woman's right to choose what is best for her body, is BIGGER THAN MICHELE BACHMANN'S HAIR.
It is, in my opinion, our nation's version of female circumcision. If you have no idea what female circumcision is, all I have to say is that Google is your friend and you should consult her about it. In effect when certain societies do ritualistic female circumcision, it robs women of their body, it takes away her ability to enjoy sex, it is dehumanizing and horrific to hear the screams of the girls being robbed of their bodies. It is a decision imposed on them by the men of their tribes and the women, remembering their own experiences grieve for their daughters but do not know how to stop it.
WOMEN WHO SUPPORT THIS TICKET, THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING. ROBBING YOU, YOUR DAUGHTERS AND YOUR MOTHERS OF THEIR BODIES. SHAME ON YOU.
You can be pro-life for your own life. I get it. Quit fucking assuming that Pro-Choice means PRO ABORTION! KILL THE FETUS! It means, I GET TO FUCKING CHOOSE AND GUESS WHAT, IT MEANS YOU DO TOO! YOU GET TO CHOOSE NOT TO HAVE ONE!!!
Ok, so back to the rambling.
Taking away the ownership of my body is unacceptable. Is all about desexualizing women?
I don't get it. We cannot make decisions for ourselves but when raped we need to let the capes fall out of our Super Snatch's and force our body to reject the bad seed? How does this even make sense?
It doesn't. Not in my world.
I am tired of the shame and humiliation that is forced on women over this issue. There always seems to be someone willing to talk about how getting an abortion ruined their life and that is why we should ban them.
So, I am going to find someone whose life wasn't ruined by getting an abortion. OH WAIT.
My name is Amy Merchant. I had an abortion in 1994. It didn't ruin my life. It made me sad for awhile. It made me reevaluate my decisions. It made appreciate my mom. It made me take responsibility for my sexuality. It made me understand consequence. It made me grateful for choice.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Identity, Oppression and Taking a Stand
I have been wanting to post this blog for awhile, the funny thing about this subject is that I am always hesitant to talk about it in writing because it feels like I won't ever be able to change what I think or feel...
At this point though, I am fucking over it. I don't care. It needs to be said, and so here I am writing about what is one of things most important to me.
Identity.
It's like a thumbprint, right? Unique and personal.
For the last ten years, I have made an important distinction when vocalizing my identity. I began using the term queer. I did this as a response to the lesbian community. My partner at the time identified as FTM and our friends would ask me, "What does that make you?". As if I was so aligned with my partner that I could not think for myself. That somehow his identity dictated mine. So I started using queer, it felt WAY less limiting than "lesbian" or "gay". I would still, when talking to non-queer identified people (i.e, hetero-normative), would use those rather limiting terms because it was what I thought was safest. I thought, 'well, those are things that people sorta understand', and I would just use them to pacify people. I know now that I underestimated people and I discounted my own identity.
I will never do that again.
Why is this important to me after all these years? Actually, it has been important to me all this time, I was just not always willing to get into the discussion of all of the distinctions that came into play with my identity. I didn't have the energy to explain to people that while my relationship (past and present) would be perceived as a "straight" relationship, that it was far from "straight". I didn't have the inclination to explain that I was attracted to all genders and that being femme was a big deal to me. I had a litany of stock answers that explained what I wanted. If someone wanted more and genuinely seemed interested in learning, I would expound.
When the Chick-Fil-A fiasco happened a few weeks ago, all of what I felt came to a head when gay identified people and their allies, felt that I needed to be more impassioned about the cause. I wish I could. I wish that what CFA did with their money was of major significance to my life. It just isn't. I feel that there are much bigger issues in Queer identified community and it's first cousin, the Gay community, than CFA. I stand by that.
Keep in mind, the queer community is it's own movement. It is NOT the same as the Gay community. I can find you a dozen queer people to explain that distinction. I could find you a dozen Gay people who don't understand that distinction. That is problematic. When either community cannot see each other, that to me is a bigger issue. Not one member of the queer community chastised me for my opinions. We were all in agreement, we were all for marriage equality. We found the money that was donated to ex-gay ministry's reprehensible. We just knew it wasn't the fight we wanted to fight. Is that seriously so wrong? It was mentioned to me that by not freaking out about CFA, I was siding with the oppressor. And to that, I say, GO FUCK YOURSELF.
Assuming you understand my identity, my journey, my politics and my philosophy without asking, is FUCKING OPPRESSIVE. Telling me how to think and feel about YOUR passions, is FUCKING OPPRESSIVE. Failing to understand that YOUR opinion is not the ONLY opinion, is FUCKING OPPRESSIVE.
And, I will never be on that side.
At this point though, I am fucking over it. I don't care. It needs to be said, and so here I am writing about what is one of things most important to me.
Identity.
It's like a thumbprint, right? Unique and personal.
For the last ten years, I have made an important distinction when vocalizing my identity. I began using the term queer. I did this as a response to the lesbian community. My partner at the time identified as FTM and our friends would ask me, "What does that make you?". As if I was so aligned with my partner that I could not think for myself. That somehow his identity dictated mine. So I started using queer, it felt WAY less limiting than "lesbian" or "gay". I would still, when talking to non-queer identified people (i.e, hetero-normative), would use those rather limiting terms because it was what I thought was safest. I thought, 'well, those are things that people sorta understand', and I would just use them to pacify people. I know now that I underestimated people and I discounted my own identity.
I will never do that again.
Why is this important to me after all these years? Actually, it has been important to me all this time, I was just not always willing to get into the discussion of all of the distinctions that came into play with my identity. I didn't have the energy to explain to people that while my relationship (past and present) would be perceived as a "straight" relationship, that it was far from "straight". I didn't have the inclination to explain that I was attracted to all genders and that being femme was a big deal to me. I had a litany of stock answers that explained what I wanted. If someone wanted more and genuinely seemed interested in learning, I would expound.
When the Chick-Fil-A fiasco happened a few weeks ago, all of what I felt came to a head when gay identified people and their allies, felt that I needed to be more impassioned about the cause. I wish I could. I wish that what CFA did with their money was of major significance to my life. It just isn't. I feel that there are much bigger issues in Queer identified community and it's first cousin, the Gay community, than CFA. I stand by that.
Keep in mind, the queer community is it's own movement. It is NOT the same as the Gay community. I can find you a dozen queer people to explain that distinction. I could find you a dozen Gay people who don't understand that distinction. That is problematic. When either community cannot see each other, that to me is a bigger issue. Not one member of the queer community chastised me for my opinions. We were all in agreement, we were all for marriage equality. We found the money that was donated to ex-gay ministry's reprehensible. We just knew it wasn't the fight we wanted to fight. Is that seriously so wrong? It was mentioned to me that by not freaking out about CFA, I was siding with the oppressor. And to that, I say, GO FUCK YOURSELF.
Assuming you understand my identity, my journey, my politics and my philosophy without asking, is FUCKING OPPRESSIVE. Telling me how to think and feel about YOUR passions, is FUCKING OPPRESSIVE. Failing to understand that YOUR opinion is not the ONLY opinion, is FUCKING OPPRESSIVE.
And, I will never be on that side.
Monday, August 6, 2012
"Everything that keeps me together is falling apart "
I am so excited to have my blog back. It seemed like I had a million things to write about and then as soon as I figured out how to get back into this blog, NOTHING. Writer's block. Curse you. I am sure if I was just going to post a facebook status, I would be insanely verbose.
Let's see what we can talk about...
Oh, I know!!!
So, this time of year, I am always really reflective. 4 years ago, on August 12, I tried to kill myself. In a desperate attempt to rid myself of all the emotional debris of a failed relationship, I wanted out. Every year at this time, I, of course, am incredibly grateful to be alive. I have always been fortunate enough to have a very privileged life. Not just in terms of finances and material things but in friendships, love and experiences. I recognize it as privilege and have spent a good bit of time not appreciating my life. All of that changed 4 years ago. Because frankly, pre 'deep end' Amy was a bitch. An absolute crazy bitch. Struggling with mental illness and my mental health over the course of my lifetime has probably been the biggest battle of my life. In some ways, it has been crippling and my inability to cope with it has led to catastrophic events in my life but on the other hand, it has totally set me up and prepared me for a life of total gratitude.
It is truly frustrating to think that it took me reaching the lowest point in my life to appreciate what I had the good fortune of always having.
In some ways I have lived 36.75 years but I have only been alive 4.
That's fucking powerful.
Even a crazy bitch can recognize that.
Song of the Day: 3rd Planet-Modest Mouse
Let's see what we can talk about...
Oh, I know!!!
So, this time of year, I am always really reflective. 4 years ago, on August 12, I tried to kill myself. In a desperate attempt to rid myself of all the emotional debris of a failed relationship, I wanted out. Every year at this time, I, of course, am incredibly grateful to be alive. I have always been fortunate enough to have a very privileged life. Not just in terms of finances and material things but in friendships, love and experiences. I recognize it as privilege and have spent a good bit of time not appreciating my life. All of that changed 4 years ago. Because frankly, pre 'deep end' Amy was a bitch. An absolute crazy bitch. Struggling with mental illness and my mental health over the course of my lifetime has probably been the biggest battle of my life. In some ways, it has been crippling and my inability to cope with it has led to catastrophic events in my life but on the other hand, it has totally set me up and prepared me for a life of total gratitude.
It is truly frustrating to think that it took me reaching the lowest point in my life to appreciate what I had the good fortune of always having.
In some ways I have lived 36.75 years but I have only been alive 4.
That's fucking powerful.
Even a crazy bitch can recognize that.
Song of the Day: 3rd Planet-Modest Mouse
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Semi Productive Playlist
I know I bitched about the heat yesterday but today it made me want to do NOTHING. I got the bare minimum done. Folded laundry, washed one load, and made myself home made sweet potato fries...I am such a slacker. Oh, I dyed my hair as well...not bad for someone who waited all day to watch The Duggar special on TLC.
I really have nothing new to report and most people don't want to hear about the move everyday so here is my semi-productive playlist for today:
Silver Springs- Fleetwood Mac
It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)- R.E.M.
Got To Be Real-Cheryl Lynn
Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)- Looking Glass
Summer Day- Coconut Records
Send Me On My Way-Rusted Root
Material Girl- Madonna
Check Yo' Self- Ice Cube
Lust for Life-Iggy Pop and The Stooges
Bizarre Love Triangle- New Order
I really have nothing new to report and most people don't want to hear about the move everyday so here is my semi-productive playlist for today:
Silver Springs- Fleetwood Mac
It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)- R.E.M.
Got To Be Real-Cheryl Lynn
Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)- Looking Glass
Summer Day- Coconut Records
Send Me On My Way-Rusted Root
Material Girl- Madonna
Check Yo' Self- Ice Cube
Lust for Life-Iggy Pop and The Stooges
Bizarre Love Triangle- New Order
Saturday, June 18, 2011
the heat, the clinginess of Monkey, packing
This is seriously the hottest June in Oklahoma I have ever witnessed. I am so over it. 112 is something I would expect in August. Not now. I have spent days on the couch not moving for fear of perspiration. I have watched more Food Network (which I hate) and Criminal Minds than I care to admit.
The dog is even more clingy that usual. Which sucks for me because I have now convinced myself that he understands when I say I am moving and that he doesn't want me to go. I think if he could talk and tell me that then I would probably consider staying. That is how important my baby is to me.
My to do list of things pre-move seems to endless...I guess instead of worrying about Hotchner and the gang over at Criminal Minds I should be accomplishing things on my list.
I need coffee.
The dog is even more clingy that usual. Which sucks for me because I have now convinced myself that he understands when I say I am moving and that he doesn't want me to go. I think if he could talk and tell me that then I would probably consider staying. That is how important my baby is to me.
My to do list of things pre-move seems to endless...I guess instead of worrying about Hotchner and the gang over at Criminal Minds I should be accomplishing things on my list.
- laundry
- pack shoes
- transfer all my music to my Mac
- pack beauty products (flat iron, blow dryer,
makeup ,hair stuff) - pack books
pack cook books(this was the first thing I packed)
I need coffee.
Friday, June 17, 2011
I'm headed back home to the West Coast (THE BIG MOVE)
I am moving. Some people were shocked by this. I am leaving in 6 weeks. yeah, I get that it is kinda sudden. I get that seems like it came from out of no where. And maybe it did, but this is something I need to do for me. I have been trying to give Lawton all I have and frankly, it is not working.
Not that I owe anyone an explanation but here is what I will be doing. Going to City College of San Francisco and finding any job I can ASAP. My goal is next fall to be in the History Honors Program at San Francisco State University.
I am sad about leaving my kids and my mom and my dog. I will miss my friends terribly. But I am guessing with iChat, Skype, Gmail video chat and everything else available, it won't really be like missing them.
the name of this blog is The Reinvention of Amy.
This is just another part of my reinvention.
Not that I owe anyone an explanation but here is what I will be doing. Going to City College of San Francisco and finding any job I can ASAP. My goal is next fall to be in the History Honors Program at San Francisco State University.
I am sad about leaving my kids and my mom and my dog. I will miss my friends terribly. But I am guessing with iChat, Skype, Gmail video chat and everything else available, it won't really be like missing them.
the name of this blog is The Reinvention of Amy.
This is just another part of my reinvention.
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