Jason Mraz and Being a Buddhist at Christmas

I don't which I am more embarrassed to admit, the fact that my life right now is a Jason Mraz song or the fact that I KNOW my life is a Jason Mraz song. The jury is out.

I won't tell you which one just yet, I do have some pride left.

As someone who is not a Christian, the "Spirit of Christmas" is something I have a hard time grasping. I look at it as mass consumerism and an excuse to eat my weight in tamales. So I have been looking around at what the spirit of Christmas means to me.

I want to make one thing clear,  not all Buddhists have the same philosophy as I do and I respect that. I think that you can be a Buddhist and appreciate the message of Jesus Christ.

First things first, I am not getting into it with Christians about the veracity of the "Christmas Story". For the sake of this blog, I will assume it is all historically correct  and tell you that I love the story. I still tear up at A Charlie Brown Christmas when Linus tells the story.

The idea that this one man was sent to change the world is why I love this story. One person. He then inspired others to change the world, and so on and so forth.

So what, as a Buddhist can I do to embody the Spirit of Christmas? I guess I set out to change the world. Or at least the life of one person. So if I change your life in the next twelve months let me know... and if I don't I assure you, my lip sync of Jason Mraz may change your opinion.

Dear Santa

Well, while everyone has already done their Christmas list, I figure that it is really never too late to ask for what I want to tell you that I accept gifts year 'round.

Since I am really excited about going to back to school, I would like school supplies.

binders
composition books (I prefer them to notebooks)
loose leaf paper
legal pads (yellow)
highlighters (pink and yellow...medium tip)
blue pens
OH! One of those highlighters with the post it notes built in...those are like porn...

XOXOXOXOXO,

Amy

Generation Narcissism

I spent the better part of my day yesterday (while home with the flu) updating facebook with the status number game. I will never do that again. Not because it wasn't fun, I assure it was. I loved thinking about what I was going to say to each individual person but when I started checking the feed every chance to see what people were saying about me, I realized that we as a whole,care more about what people are saying about them on a facebook status then we care about what else was going on in the world. It wasn't until way later in the day that I saw people posting about Elizabeth Edwards passing away from cancer. How sad.

Is social networking helping us validate who we are? When we post something we deem witty and worthy, we get upset when our closest friends don't respond. We then text them or call and say "Did you see my tweet (status)?" I myself am totally guilty of this.

The evolution of the internet is something that happens at such a rapid pace that just as soon as you get used to one thing there it is...the NEW (again) facebook profile. Most of us remember actual chat rooms, then there was a migration to livejournal(no chatting but journaling and countless opportunities to meet like minded people) (something I still miss) and then myspace (less private than livejournal but a miracle for aspiring musicians, filmakers, entertainers and aspiring viral sensations), facebook (let us all reconnect in a major way and then let us all overshare with people we hated in high school and who secretly hate the fact that you are a queer mexican buddhist) and then twitter...140 characters to make an impression.

trust me I am all for all of this, and have been a part of it in some way or another, there hasn't been a trend that I haven't been a part of and sometimes get really sentimental about...(getting a paid acct at LJ so you could have more icons...I laugh now thinking about that) but I just think we have to stop worrying about those games that require other people to validate us (click like on my status and I'll write on your wall..blah blah blah) those can be fun but I would much prefer to learn about myself from me...not from you.

So this is my apology for filling your feed yesterday with all the status updates, I am thankful for the people that participated and for the people that wrote such amazing things about me. I truly am. I just want to make sure I believe them first.

I don't want to feel obligated to comment or like your status or reply to your tweet. And I don't want you to feel obligated to comment on my stuff either. I want us to enjoy the social end of social networking.

I miss it.

Amy's Top 10 moments of 2010

As 2010 winds down, people are counting down their lists of greatest this and greatest that...here are my Top Ten best moments of 2010

10. New Years 2010-I kissed my honey and at that time I felt like nothing could stop me

9. Becoming syndicated. A writer who tells you they don't wish to be successful is lying. not that my column is HIGHLY syndicated but the fact that someone else noticed my work and wanted it was AMAZING.

8. A facebook friend I have never met, Helga, noticed from my page that I was having a rough  time and found a video on YouTube and posted it for me to watch. The song and that moment changed my life. I became aware of what people were posting and if I needed to pay it forward. And I have.

7. Healing old wounds. After years of not seeing each other, my ex and I sat down and talked and were able to forgive each other and ourselves a little.

6. Ryan's pool party-I cannot remember most of it. But the pics tell me I had a great time

5. The Birthday Party- We threw Jim and Justyn a birthday party and to have my girlfriend, sister, aunt, mom and best friends all under one roof was my dream. The food was amazing, the drinks were plentiful and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

4. Coming home and being tired from working hard. Sounds weird to most people, but for me that is a great moment

3. San Francisco Pride. How did this little girl from the South end up filming at SF Pride? How did I end up in the transmarch and the dykemarch and when I looked behind where I was filming and saw hundreds of thousands of my community and their supporters...I was humbled to be there. An experience I will NEVER forget.

2. Sticking with something even when it hurts. That was my relationship this year. We were off and on again a lot. We both made changes and have really tried to make this work. But I have to tell you when I was opening my birthday card and crying from reading it and she quietly slipped a box toward me, I had no idea what opening it was going to make me feel...and in that moment I couldn't love anyone more. No matter how rough this year has been for us, I am glad that we went through it together. I love you.

1. Admitting when you are wrong is my best moment of the year. I thought medicine would change who I am and that no one would like me and that I would lose my edge and fought the whole experience tooth and nail. While I did change a lot and feel lonelier than ever, I haven't lost my edge and my creativity is at an all time high.. Thanks medicine. You saved me.

Menstrual Marjorie waxes poetic...not

It has been a long  time  since   I   have  written   anything  that  was  just because  I  enjoy writing.  I  spend  a  good   bit  of  my energy  worrying about what to  write  and  then  nothing  gets written. Fellow writers understand.

Today,  I  am  feeling  sad and  really sentimental. I  miss  so  many  people  in  my   life.  And  they  are  people  I have access  to everyday either  in  a  very  tangible   way  or  via  some sort communication device.  What  happened to me?  I  have  always  been  a  people  person. Jerry-fucking-Maguire.  Close  the  deal.  Everything  seemed  ok. My  girlfriend  was  crazy about  me, my  mom  and  I  were  getting  along, it  seemed like I had friends  but  no  ambition and  drive  about  anything  professional or  anything  resembling  a  job  that  paid  me consistently.

Now? I  am  going  back  to school,  work  full  time  and  get  my  articles  done on  time and  see  no one.  And  miss  everyone.  And  I  feel  like  shit  for  being needy  and  saying  "HEY  I AM  STILL  HERE.  I'M  JUST BETTER NOW"


This  trade  off  sucks. I miss  laughing with  my  mom and  my  kids,  friends and  I miss  my  girlfriend.

You  wanna  know  why  one  is   the   loneliest number?  Because  once you  make yourself  number one.  There's  no  one  else  around.

nail polish, sweet potatoes, gladys knight and Lohan.

Happy birthday to me. I am glad to see 35 when I was so close to never even seeing 33.

I want to do some predictions about the next year.

1. I will star on the Real Housewives of Comanche County. I will be the one that carries my little dog everywhere and smells of tanning lotion

2. I will direct a film about the importance of nail polish. It will bring peace to Israel and Palestine.

3. I will bring back use of the word "Sike"

4. I will name my successor as The Most Powerful Gay in The World but I will live forever like
Queen Elizabeth II

5.I will have my own talk show. My first guest will be Lindsey Lohan. I will talk to her the way I talk to everyone (crazy) and she will admit that the reason she is a crack head is because she is truly a lesbian. I will send her to lesbian boot camp. She will then star in the Melissa Etheridge biopic.

6. I will finally potty train my dog

7. I will discover that Gladys Knight is my real mom

8. My dog will become an internet sensation a la Antoine Dotson

9. I will go on a sweet potato diet

10. I will win a lifetime supply of Diet Dr Pepper!

National Coming Out Day

The importance of National Coming Out Day is not to honor those of us who are out and proud but to honor those who do not have the ability or strength to come out.  In countries around the world homosexuality is punishable by death, in this country, we punish homosexuality or perceived homosexuality by bullying  and using “gay” as a word that is interchangeable with stupid and lame. In  the last several weeks we see an increase in the reporting  of the suicides of young people who were either gay or perceived as such.  As someone who has been fighting for my community for 17 years, I find hope in the fact that people are taking notice and my heart breaks to hear of children as young as 11 and the age of the students of Cameron Pride taking their own life because the word gay has become the exact button to push repeatedly to intimidate people and destroy lives.  To say that this is unacceptable is an understatement. To say  that this needs to end seems redundant. And yet, just yesterday we hear of a story from our own backyard of a Norman teen who killed himself because of hate mongering from a COMMUNITY. Not just individuals, but how does one person take on a community?

My coming out story is nothing special. I have an amazing family and friends who accepted me immediately.  Subsequently, I felt called to action to help those that were not as fortunate.  My biggest call to action was the death of Matthew Shepard.  Such a definitive moment for my generation of the GLBT community.  I promised myself that I would never again be fearful or be closeted again.  The war on GLBT rights is an ongoing process, some troops have made tremendous headway, others troops like the ones here in Oklahoma, have had to measure their progress in different ways.  As with any war,  there are casualties  and at some point people will not remember the names of the people who have left us.  As someone who enlisted in this war, I feel compelled to remember their names and see their faces in the students of Cameron PRIDE.  I also feel a tremendous need to make sure that for those who cannot come out, my community is safer for everyone. I am proud to have worked with the students of PRIDE and amazed at the number of straight allies they have fighting for this cause. 

I have had the opportunity to live in the San Francisco area and walk the streets of the Castro District , where one of my heroes,  Harvey Milk began his crusade for equality. It would be very easy to stay there, where no one cares about your gender orientation or your sexual orientation.  Yet I find myself always coming back to Oklahoma.  I know to some that may not make sense, but to me, when I see everyone here I know I made the right decision, when I see that what started out as a small group in the music building as grown to a campus-community effort, I cannot help but think that without EVERYONES coming out stories, we would not be here. It is everyone’s coming out stories, as  gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, ally, to create a community.  

My message to those who cannot come out or who feel hopeless is this; you have a community we are here. We welcome you. Everyone has a biological family but you may find this community as your logical family.  They are also highly dysfunctional and at moments insane but they get it. I promise you they do.

My message to those that continue with their hateful rhetoric is this; the harder you fight, we will fight harder, the more you push down, the higher we will rise above. Coming out day is not always about the closet it is about coming out fighting.

Lesson of The Day

So I just had a moment where I just realized that my life is amazing. I have friends that I known for most of my life, I have amazing young people in life who help me realize everyday that life is dramatic, funny and there is always room for a drag queen reference. I have a mother who is truly headed for sainthood.

And I am in love.


All of these things together, overwhelmed me.


Tonight, October 3, 2010, I learned what feels like to truly be grateful.

Your Hair Looks Like An Easter Egg

So I have worn my makeup the same way for YEARS.  I just sorta tried something one day and thought it worked and stuck with it. I would switch up my lip color on occasion (the brownish-red phase of the 90s, hooker red as of late). I never cared about my nails for the longest time since I was a habitual nail biter....But the last two years I have really tried to figure out what my "style" is...I landed on a spectrum for clothes (occasional emo hipster dyke, occasional femme goddess) but my makeup was still a struggle. So I asked my fave local makeup artist (Sammy Jo) to show me a few things. She did and then I was totally convinced that this look was the only look I should try from here on out.

Then I found some makeup that looked really cool and that was on sale. I told myself that I would get this makeup and just practice some new looks. I loved it. I started watching videos or makeup and starting putting my own spin on things and new combinations and I found that I loved it.

I love the reinvention of Amy. I am finding out things about myself I would have never guess. And I am finding myself...

This look is greens and purples and the new falsies mascara by maybelline. I should have written down the exact products. I suck.

the loss of a loved one

After the ruckus that my last post created, I decided to take some time off of blogging.

A month on the meds and I am feeling pretty good overall. My schedule has been off because I hurt my back and I have had to slow down quite a bit on my normal stuff. But in general, I am really glad I went on them and really glad that it has not been a struggle to stay on them.


I did have a moment though when my iPhone died. Wouldn't hold a charge and just went kaput. I mourned the loss for 2 weeks. I had to use a Blackberry where the trackball didn't work. I felt like I had lost my best friend. I didn't have my calendar, my notes, my apps. I had no clue what was going on. I started being moody and emotional eating. Not getting out of bed....people started to worry...

But now I have the iPhone 4 and I feel like all is right with the world. I have been much more chipper the last two days. And I am sure it is because of Steve Jobs.

An Open Letter To My PRIDE kids

You all changed my life. Truly. The year I worked with you all was amazing and I was so proud of you. You all made some tough calls and handled them with grace. But I cannot support the direction it is going now.

While I am fully supportive of the vision of an inclusive group, I cannot help but be disappointed that other groups get a concise vision and PRIDE does not...Why does it seem that everyone is scared to be a "gay" group?  If you all are waiting for the day for everything to be more acceptable please know this, it will not happen without someone having the balls to do it. PERIOD. Someone has to stand up. Someone has to say "a GSA is necessary", someone has to say "the GLBTQ community and their allies deserve to be heard". That was the intention of PRIDE when it started as the Rainbow Alliance.

This bullshit of being PC is not something I am able to stand behind. Of all the minorities in this country, right now, the GLBTQ community is the one whose civil rights are repeatedly in question. Now is the time to stand up and be heard and now is the time to fight. While it sounds nice to be inclusive and welcome everyone when has that ever worked when a subculture has asserted its need to be heard?  You fight together and with Allies and you fight for the same thing. You do not spread yourself thin with bullshit activities that do not focus on your vision. You focus and you be heard.

I am fearless about my convictions.  And I have faith that Lawton can handle this...I am not scared.

I will be starting the Community Diversity Project. A strictly GLBTQA organization that focuses on community education, fundraising and the needs of MY community as a whole.

Fraidy cats need not apply.

It's a nice day for a white wedding...

Determining my own self worth has been an issue my whole life. I, like most people of my generation, was lost somewhere between the entitlement of this generation, the race to the top of the 80s and our own Gen X slackerdom. I think as I approach  35 I am starting to feel like I am getting it together and fuck, all I have done is waste all this time.  I hate it but I refuse to hate myself for it. Shit, everyone makes crappy decisions, everyone finds their way when it's their time but as long as you own it,  no one can take that from you. When I think about what I "wish" I had done. I only have one wish left. And that is to have a marriage. And a family. Even if my kids are all adopted college kids and rescued dogs. But I want the wedding photo over the fireplace and the house where everyone has Sunday dinner. And how every weekend of college football my backyard smells like hamburgers and hot dogs. I want to read the paper in bed with my partner and fight over the remote. And force the others hand about closet space.

Normal. Routine. Heaven.

After 35 years of chaos, I am ready for that. Finally.

Again: No apologies. Re: Burn the Qu'ran

The beauty about blogging is that you can go on a tirade like I did yesterday and then today you can write about unicorns and the beauty of rainbows...then again this is my blog and I am not really a unicorn kinda gal and how do you follow up the most "read" thing you have ever written with a post about how cute my dog is? I mean I am going to be held to militant she-bitch persona to make sure my writing is being read?Am I that much of  a narcissist?

Is that what a blog is for...to express who we are and then hope people read it and agree with us or agree to disagree?? The jury is out. There is this pressure to write something with the same ferocity that I wrote yesterday's post. Every single one of the posts that people have responded to have been because my passion was evident in every single sentence of that post. But I have to tell you that is exhausting. I was drained after that blog. And I have a lot of things that I care about but so few that I am truly passionate about...I cannot do an impassioned blog about Peanut Butter. As much as I love it, it will not be that interesting. That I can promise you.

I never expect people to agree with me or my views all the time but as a Libra, I need balance and I do expect people to be fair. I get that those are unreal expectations. But by fair I mean, you hear me out, I will hear you out and if one of us backs down then we have reached a compromise. Sounds good right? Idyllic and romanticized notions of compromise...I should draft the Mid-East Peace Proposal.

I wanted to weigh on what Burn The Koran guy means to me and how I feel about September 11.

Burn the Quran guy, Terry Jones, is an extremist. Extremists desecrate things, they show lack of respect and they are cowards. They prey on the weak and innocent to perpetuate their rhetoric. The fact that he wants to do this on a day when other extremists did those very things is unforgivable. As a Buddhist, I am taught to value human life. As a human who woke up to that scene 9 years ago, it is hard to remember that Buddhist tenet.

That day, like everyone of you, is as real to me as it ever was...I can smell the oatmeal lotion my son wore and the exact t shirt he was wearing when I watched the second plane hit. I remember hugging my then partner so tight and never wanting to let go.

As soon as it was realized that the hijackers were of Middle Eastern descent, I ran to the computer and knew what I had to do...my dad is from Pakistan. He has lived in this country over 2/3 of his life. He became a United States citizen and served this country for over 20 years in the United States Army. He is also Muslim. My parents were recently divorced and my dad had moved to a community in Texas that had an active Muslim community. As I watched communities throw Molotov cocktails through the windows of mosques, I wanted to make sure my dad and his community were ok. Because I knew that HIS community was not responsible for this...this is not what I knew his Islam to be...

I emailed him and received a response pretty quickly.

"Amy, Thanks for asking. I am fine. We should have bombed those motherfuckers for the USS Cole when we had the chance. I am a U.S. soldier first. If they need me to go back, I will. Love, Dad"

My dad was an example that day. He did not want anyone fucking with his God or his country. And for American-Muslims, the extremists did both that day.

I will mourn the loss of everyone on September 11, I will mourn for the families that never get closure, for my son who has only grown up in this nation of fear and anxiety, for Muslims who have had an unrelenting attack of persecution on their faith.

***As I was about to post this, word came that he is cancelling the Burn The Quran***

Here comes the hate mail.

So I posted a link on my facebook where a state tea party president (since removed) made a joke about Matthew Sheppard and the way he was brutally murdered.

Of course, as a queer identified woman, this is upsetting. As a mother this is reprehensible. As a Buddhist this is an opportunity to prove that I can rise above my anger for him. But before I take the high road, I would like to say this:

Restoration is the name usually reserved for the period of rebuilding America after the Civil War. Part of the "Restoration" in America included things like taxing the fuck out of newly "freed" slaves to help offset the cost of the war. Dangling the proverbial carrot of things like property ownership and their half-assed attempt at citizenship was their way of offering "equal protection under the law".

Why use the word "Restoration"? If you restore something, the implication is that is it something was wrong with it, it was broken or damaged. After the Civil War, America was in fact, damaged. Financially, politically and physically. They had given their sons and most of them did not come home and now they had to rebuild. Now in America, we do not use the word "Restoration" when talking politics. We say things like "rebuild" and "create". Because these terms do not implicate that something is truly broken. These terms are not inflammatory. They do not suggest that America has failed America. That we have elected leaders who have failed us.

When people call for change (either camp, tea party, bleeding heart liberals etc) and feel the only way to get their point across is to unilaterally attack the civil liberties of a minority, I am not ok with that. EVER. When I think of the history of this country and it being hell bent on assimilation, I am enraged.

How dare we say that is not our past? Ask the millions of displaced Native Americans, the thousands of American born women of Mexican descent who were sterilized, the Japanese in interment camps, the Muslims not able to practice here in America (the country founded on freedom of religion, right? Just checking), Uncle Sam wants YOU to assimilate.

Mr. Douchey McGee from earlier who wants to joke about a dead kid,

You would be appalled if a joke was made about a dead soldier. That person would be verbally crucified and tried by your propaganda machine. And frankly, I think joking about someone who was literally crucified shows  your lack of vision for our country and why should I even care about what the tea party has to say? I care because the tax dollars of everyone in this country kept paying for a war(s) that has left our country damaged. We have sent sons, husbands and partners (Yes, gay soldiers have died, imagine.) to protect the ideals of America and democracy. You want the country to step away from the neo-socialism of Obama and return to what America is supposed to be about...democracy! The First Amendment of the Constitution guarantees you can say whatever the fuck you want. But as a woman, the 19th Amendment gives me the right to vote, and come November, you and your "visionaries" will have my response.

Amy

Whitney Houston, Menses and canned meat.

As I sit here to type,  I am doing desk drag. I am lip syncing for my life to Whitney Houston.  And let me tell you, I am good. And before you even ask, it is pre-crack Whitney. I was raised right.

So I would be remiss in the whole Reinvention of Amy if I did not share everything  I can about the process. Turns out while Wellbutrin helps me to cut back on smoking it makes my periods miserable. I mean fucking miserable. I want to lay in bed like Norma Desmond and tell everyone I am dying and have everyone visit me on my death bed. This is really not any different from my normal dramatic episodes but this time when everyone comes to see me I need chocolate.

I was eating Corned Beef Hash out of the can yesterday (strange for a foodie, I know) and my mom said

"you know who loves corned beef hash?"
"Who?"
"Your grandfather"
"He does enjoy canned meat"

Then I realized later that i was craving spam musabi. I too am a lover of canned meat.

I am Lola The Lotus

I found my way to Buddhism 7 years ago, specifically Nichiren Buddhism as practiced by the SGI-USA. I have struggled off and on with my faith. I have contemplated leaving a hundred times. When I started practicing and learning the tenets of Buddhism, I was excited and threw myself in with gusto...I did everything that was asked of me.

SGI-USA is an organization. It has leaders and positions that help promote dialogue and a deeper understanding of Buddhist theory. Those with a distaste for organized religion find a lot of the grievances they have with Judeo-Christain faiths, carry over when learning about SGI-USA. And I get that, I truly do.

One thing I have found in my own practice and the people around me is a lack of understanding about the strictness of Buddhism. Our sect will not make you give up all your possessions, it will not ask you to wear that orange thingy or have you rely on clergy to determine your worthiness. But Buddhism does require you to take responsibility for the karma you create. It requires that you hold compassion, gratitude, humility and service to your fellow man in the highest regard. It requires that you show actual proof every day that Buddhism works and it requires you to practice as if your life depends on it. And let's face it, it does.I didn't join Buddhism so I could remain unhappy. I joined because there was something missing in my life and it worked for me to fill the hole this way.

I find myself as I become healthier mentally and physically that a natural order of progression is to make strides spiritually. I intend to do that. And I find myself being strict with the people in my life much the way Buddhism is strict with me. I don't think that asking people to be the best version of themselves is a bad thing...or working towards that is a bad thing...I think accepting complacency from people I love is unacceptable and because Buddhism has been trying to teach me for 7 years that I am worth it, it is my turn to teach others that they are too

How I see Lawton and Oklahoma. My 2 cents.

I love Oklahoma. I know it sounds strange. Oklahoma is not known for its progressive attitude. But it has been my home for 20 years.

When I moved here from Georgia, I resented everything about Oklahoma. And then i started to come into my own and I started to own who I was and what was important to me.
And things like a sense of pride for our country and the way everyone claps when the state song is played...those things are why I love Oklahoma. When the directions are "past the second silo, turn at the cattle guard", that is why I love Oklahoma. When I see a transgender woman running for office against a hate monger is why I love Oklahoma. When people think that Oklahoma is not gay friendly and I remind them that our Pride parade has gotten bigger every year and that our businesses and nightlife cover 2 city blocks. That is why I love Oklahoma. In general.

And then I remember something that has affected me more than I ever thought...
I remember my senior year of high school, my class only ever won the spirit stick once. OUR SENIOR YEAR. Why does this matter now? Because that was my first taste of apathy. Apathy in particular in Lawton. Everyone was in such a rush to leave and get out of here and experience life elsewhere...and those of us that have stayed behind or found our way back time and time again have had that same air of apathy around us and have done our best to break through.

Lawton must do something right, it must not stifle us as bad as we think, I mean generations of us have left to take on big cities with big ideas and yet some of us have gone on to have the exact suburban life we DIDN'T want...someplace else...

I want better for Lawton. I want fear and the gridlock of apathy to be broken. I do not want to be scared about what people think, and most importantly I am tired of people underestimating my state and my town. Lawtonians are not stupid and we are not rednecks. We can handle tea parties and bleeding heart liberals. We can handle art that makes us think and oversized jewelery. We can handle fake tans and tree hugging lesbians.

We can handle it all. We are Oklahomans.

Fidel Castro, Carrie Bradshaw, Dorothy Gale. Yeah I know, it doesn't make sense to me either.

I hate surprises. Truly loathe, despise them. I hate them so much, I don't even like to surprise people. So I try to make a birthday list well in advance that way no one has to figure out what I want and thus preventing surprises.

1. Sex and The City Seasons 1-5 (doesn't matter which ones I just want to collect them all)
2. Gilmore Girls Seasons 4-7 (I have the first three)
3. iTunes Gift cards. I need apps and ringtones
4. Grease 1 (I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT EVER WANT TO OWN GREASE 2)
5. Any cookbooks, used, new whatever. Even those ones that the little Baptist ladies put out. A 1.00 cookbook from Goodwill makes me happier than just about anything.
6. Ruby slippers. Well not real ruby slippers but red sparkly heels.
7. a waffle iron ( i wanna make fried chicken and waffles)
8. countertop deep fryer (see above)
9. anything Steelers
10. perfume
11. makeup, makeup, makeup.
12. interesting garden stuff (gnomes etc)
13. a portrait of my dog as Fidel Castro

free association

Ugh. I did not even realize that I missed blogging yesterday. Sigh. I really do not like my routine interrupted. Let's hope that tomorrow we can return to regularly scheduled programming.

Glenn Beck is a douche. Sorry if you are a fan. I loathe him.

So I am looking down the barrel of my 35th birthday. I am not sure how I feel about. I mean 35 is not bad, right? It is mid thirties. 36 is late thirties.

Ok, so I will just stay 35. I can handle that...


 Song(s) of the day:

Can You Tell-Ra Ra Riot
Steer-Missy Higgins

Could a bitch get a cheeseburger? Fuck I am starving.

PRIDE, my crush of the week, parfum de Clorox

So I volunteer my time and energy for the greatest kids in the world,  the students of Cameron PRIDE. Last night we kicked off this semester and I hope that they are excited about this semester because I know I am... this group of kids makes me feel like our community is good hands. They teach me more about myself every time I see them. I am so grateful.

Ok,  so every morning I have this routine where I clean my house and I have to do it in the same order every time. This routine has only been since I have been on medicine, normally I hate myself and my surroundings so much that I could care less, but once stabilized I am pretty picky. Anyway, I think the dog is high from the bleach this morning because he decided to steal toilet paper and tear it up  AFTER the house was clean. Fortunately for him, I am medicated because he would probably have shaken puppy syndrome.

Crush of The Week Award:

Rhianna

I don't know if it is because we have the same haircut or because we have the same nails in that video with Eminem...I can't tell if I want to fuck her or be her BFF...

probably both.

the musings of a mess (lists, notes and gray hair)

Dear Tobacco Industry,

Wellbutrin is going to insure that you get no more money at least from me.

Love,  Amy


Today is not so bad on the medicine. I am enjoying my new routine and excited about seeing my kids at PRIDE tonight and my usual Saturday morning date.


Things I am grateful for:
1. My mom
2. My friends
3. My sweetie
4. My kids
5. My puppy

Things I wish were different:
1. The rate at which my hair goes gray
2. That I had finished school
3.  That I had not hurt the people I did

Songs that changed my life:

1. Band of Horses-No One's Gonna Love You
2. The Toadies-Possum Kingdom
3. Madonna-Material Girl
4. Gary Go-Wonderful
5. Pixies-Bone Machine

that is all I got.

"Amy can do better. She is not living up to her potential"-third grade teacher

The biggest issue of my life has been follow through and "living up to my potential".


I have never considered myself stubborn but I assume that most people in my life would disagree. I cannot seem to give into this medicine. It is like I am so determined to hold onto the unhealthiest version of myself that I just refuse to give up on THAT girl,

.
I guess it is fair to say I am not really trying to get  better if I refuse to give into this...I called it poison yesterday. Even though I know it makes me better in the long run.

Could I possibly be more dramatic?



Well, of course I could. But that is just like me, to not live up to my potential.

bitchiness

The reinvention of Amy is going as planned. Sorta. I am back on my medicine which means in a few days I will have way less anxiety and way more focus. Both of which are good things.

The whole training for the 5K thing has taken a backseat for a few reasons. One, the unbearable heat as of late and my unbearable laziness.

The one thing I hate about being on medicine is that  I pride myself on being witty and creative and I feel like that gets compromised on medicine. Sure I will be able to start a blog and finish it but will be worth reading? Will it be funny and informative?

I know that these fears seem silly and like someone who just doesn't want to take her medicine. Well that is true, I do not want to take my medicine. But I know I need to or I won't  be here to worry about creativity.

I am an idea person. It is why people come to me for marketing. I am just worried that the well of ideas that is my brain is starting to dry up. Then what will I have?

I have been walking around like a total bitch since I started medicine. Resenting everyone and resenting needing medicine.

But the truth is, when no one is looking, I find myself smiling. A LOT.

I forgot to post this C25K video yesterday. sigh.

2 Years Later..