My Legacy In Three Words

I joined a blogging circle and as my first duty, I chose this week's topic.

I remember that years ago, I wanted to do a documentary about this.

Epitaphs used to be 3 words on your tombstone. That was all that someone would see in passing. Could you tell your story in three words? Are three words enough to determine a legacy?And what three words?

I decided to make that this week's topic. I want to determine my legacy. Here are my 3 words and why. 

Stay tuned, at the end of this, there will be a place for to see everyone else's legacy!!

Raconteur: 

I have always been a lover of words, I read at a very early age and loved the sound and look of language. I loved the rhythm of the way my Tejano family spoke Spanglish. I loved the musty smell of an old dictionary that had been my dad's. I was enchanted with the way the fit together. I would learn a word and use it over and over in a sentence until I knew the meaning and it sounded natural.

As I got older I realized that being a lover of words, I had developed a knack for relaying information. My vocabulary was large and lent itself to add drama and flair. I became the person that always told the anecdotal history of  things and then it evolved into public speaking and educating. 

Dissident:

if you ask my mom, she will tell you  that I have spent my entire life defying authority. That I have always chosen the hardest road possible for myself. That I do not rest until there are answers. I  am tireless in my quest for justice and fairness. I do not now, or ever, accept status quo. I rarely tire of questioning those in charge. And when I am in charge, I WANT people to question to me. I want to never be too powerful for the greater good of the cause. I am defiant. I am curious. I have always been someone that people respect but very few like. I am ok with that. Because the fight never ends.

I have struggled with this last one so much.  My own topic and I could not think of a third one. I kept starting to think I had found it and then as I would write about it, backspace became my friend. I wanted something that evoked a concept that was not as harsh as the other two. I wanted people to know that I was only 2/3 harsh. Then it hit me.

Explorer:

This is probably the most vulnerable I can possibly be about this topic. I just wanted a word that would hopefully reminded people that I tried. Everything. I searched the world for love, meaning, beauty, truth and myself.

Thank you for joining me on this journey. I hope that these change. I hope at 38 my legacy has yet to be deternined.

Transgender Day of Remembrance (FTM edition)

I hope that I am able to cover everything I want to cover for the next few days about the TDOR.

Having been involved in this community for years, I  have been so fortunate not to have suffered the same losses as other communities. So I want to honor the ones that  are still in my life and how they have impacted me. Adrian seemed like an obvious choice for the first post but that relationship requires a tremendous about of care and tenderness when I write about it, that I will wait.

I would like to talk about the first transman that set me on this course. 

Ryan is a beautiful, intense, empath that would cringe for me to talk about how important he is and how this is all his doing. I was drawn to him because he was androngynous, attractive, smart and would answer questions honestly. I was quite smitten with him.

Like I do with everyone, I wanted to provide a safe place for him to be on this journey. I cannot even express how actually complicated my relationship with Ryan is and how he not only set me on this course of advocacy but on the course to my Adrian. He is my family and a part of soul. 

Terry is a former partner of mine who started to medically transition and has subsequently stopped. When we were partners, I used exclusively male pronouns. While we are no longer in contact, the last time we spoke, I was encouraged to continue using male pronouns where he was concerned because that was the context of our relationship. 

Terry was a difficult and complex relationship. There was a lot of love for each other but a fundamental misunderstanding how to make our identities coexist. While I was with Terry, I learned a lot about myself and how to better articulate and advocate for the trans community. Explaining that not everyone identified the same way became part of my rhetoric and I learned to appreciate that from Terry.

Aiden should hate me but he doesn't. Aiden was pretty content in his life until Hurricane Amy came into the picture. I adore him and he is one of my best friends. He always thanks me for being so supportive of him but I think he forgets that he was fine until I opened my big mouth. He is smart and dedicated to helping others and I admire that in him. He is the glue that holds so many people together. I try to do the same for him.

Tony. My darling, sweet Mister T! Some people have a way of making you feel like you have known them forever. That is Tony. His emails are sometimes my saving grace. He is quiet and caring and the most wonderful friend. We spend most of our time communicating through BuzzFeed articles and emails. I often call him my fake Oklahoma boyfriend because he is so much like Adrian that I am often terrified. But when I we exchange emails, I feel like we provide a judgment free zone for each other. No one makes me laugh harder than he does. 

Now, my love, Adrian. I simply would not be who I am without him. He handed me a piece of paper covered in highlighted passages and a shorthand that I instinctively understood, that gave me the words of my own identity. He is the only person who can articulate things for me before I can. Our souls have known each other for countless lifetimes. He is my North Pole and my biggest cheerleader. He is the most brilliant person I know. His wry sense of humor is always way smarter than most people understand. I am sometimes uncomfortable with how easy it is for him to read me. The exchange is that I can see him as well. I feel like the English language doesn't have enough words to accurately describe what he means to me. 

These are only a FEW of the FTM's that have set me on this course. I love them dearly and feel overwhelmed that I am so lucky.

What I want to be when I grow up...

Ever since I can remember I wanted to be a mom. At 38, the reality of giving birth moves further and further away but this year, the clock was ticking really loudly and I began to research all my options and everything that I was reading was letting me know that it could actually be a possibility and what the reality of a pregnancy could be for someone my age.

I knew, as a queer with a trans partner that it would require some thought and money. I decided late one night to watch, The Business of Being Born. Of course, I was well aware of the healthcare as an industry of money and as a corrupt corporation. I knew about doulas and midwives and what they had done for women over the history of time (most of my aunts and uncles were NOT delivered at hospitals).

I woke up the next day with the most sense of calm. I knew I could do that. I knew that I could be a doula. I wasn't even sure if I was looking at the 'right' way, but I knew that it called to me. Deeply.

I started with just a trip to Google and immediately the definition of  'a woman who serves other women' came up. SHUT THE EFF UP. That is ME. I could not believe that everything in my life led me to effing google.

I thought about how it has been a mission in my advocacy to always empower anyone about their body. My idea of social justice is to provide a way for all identities and genders to take back their agency over their body that privilege has taken from them.

The things I am most passionate about(in no particular order):

• sex positivity
• women's reproductive health
• sexual health
• transgender bodies and their healthcare
• undocumented women and their access to healthcare

I was overwhelmed with the realization of how all of these intersections led me to this moment of the ultimate advocacy of the female body. I started to buy books and look into certification programs. I started to recognize all the things about my life that brought me to this point.

I have preparing for this my whole life without knowing about it.

I will be posting more about this because I want to dispel myths about doulas, hospitals, midwives and the birthing process.

I want to talk about how doulas can help with abortions, IFV, IUI, miscarriages, post partum help and so much more!

Forgive my excitement. I have been waiting to write about this and this still didn't make sense! Back to the books!

Comin' real, it's the next episode...

I guess writing every 11 months or so (at least publicly) is not really writing more. Or often. Fail.

I have joined a blogging group and I am hoping that with the different prompts, I will be able to not only do my usual snarky writing but some with actual substance. This entry is no such blog.

Right now I am co-chairing a committee to have an alternative prom for the LGBT youth of Southwest Oklahoma. I am also speaking at Cameron University's Gay-Straight Alliance for Transgender Remembrance Day next week and I feel like my cup runneth over with rainbow.

2013 has been a seriously difficult year. I started the year with my great love Mr. Elam and circumstances and needs required us to live apart from April-present.

It has not been the easiest thing in the world to be apart from the person who is your rock. The first few months were a terrible adjustment. Financially, we have struggled worse than before and we have had to decide major things in our relationship without the tenderness and physical proximity that deepens our emotional intimacy.

Yet, we are still here. And in some ways, closer than ever. This year was wrought with speed bump after speed bump but I am now even more sure of the fact that I supposed to build my life with him.

I turned 38 and celebrated 5 years post suicide attempt. Turning 38 is not a major milestone but the 5 year anniversary was a big deal and I am glad that I am a 5 year survivor of my own mental health demons and look forward to the next 5.

Today, I have much to do and really feel exhausted from the last few days but also exhilarated about possibilities.

In the last 5 years, I did not even imagine that this life is the one I would have or even build for myself, but damn it, I am sure grateful to have things I always wanted and things I never knew I always wanted.