Your Hair Looks Like An Easter Egg

So I have worn my makeup the same way for YEARS.  I just sorta tried something one day and thought it worked and stuck with it. I would switch up my lip color on occasion (the brownish-red phase of the 90s, hooker red as of late). I never cared about my nails for the longest time since I was a habitual nail biter....But the last two years I have really tried to figure out what my "style" is...I landed on a spectrum for clothes (occasional emo hipster dyke, occasional femme goddess) but my makeup was still a struggle. So I asked my fave local makeup artist (Sammy Jo) to show me a few things. She did and then I was totally convinced that this look was the only look I should try from here on out.

Then I found some makeup that looked really cool and that was on sale. I told myself that I would get this makeup and just practice some new looks. I loved it. I started watching videos or makeup and starting putting my own spin on things and new combinations and I found that I loved it.

I love the reinvention of Amy. I am finding out things about myself I would have never guess. And I am finding myself...

This look is greens and purples and the new falsies mascara by maybelline. I should have written down the exact products. I suck.

the loss of a loved one

After the ruckus that my last post created, I decided to take some time off of blogging.

A month on the meds and I am feeling pretty good overall. My schedule has been off because I hurt my back and I have had to slow down quite a bit on my normal stuff. But in general, I am really glad I went on them and really glad that it has not been a struggle to stay on them.


I did have a moment though when my iPhone died. Wouldn't hold a charge and just went kaput. I mourned the loss for 2 weeks. I had to use a Blackberry where the trackball didn't work. I felt like I had lost my best friend. I didn't have my calendar, my notes, my apps. I had no clue what was going on. I started being moody and emotional eating. Not getting out of bed....people started to worry...

But now I have the iPhone 4 and I feel like all is right with the world. I have been much more chipper the last two days. And I am sure it is because of Steve Jobs.

An Open Letter To My PRIDE kids

You all changed my life. Truly. The year I worked with you all was amazing and I was so proud of you. You all made some tough calls and handled them with grace. But I cannot support the direction it is going now.

While I am fully supportive of the vision of an inclusive group, I cannot help but be disappointed that other groups get a concise vision and PRIDE does not...Why does it seem that everyone is scared to be a "gay" group?  If you all are waiting for the day for everything to be more acceptable please know this, it will not happen without someone having the balls to do it. PERIOD. Someone has to stand up. Someone has to say "a GSA is necessary", someone has to say "the GLBTQ community and their allies deserve to be heard". That was the intention of PRIDE when it started as the Rainbow Alliance.

This bullshit of being PC is not something I am able to stand behind. Of all the minorities in this country, right now, the GLBTQ community is the one whose civil rights are repeatedly in question. Now is the time to stand up and be heard and now is the time to fight. While it sounds nice to be inclusive and welcome everyone when has that ever worked when a subculture has asserted its need to be heard?  You fight together and with Allies and you fight for the same thing. You do not spread yourself thin with bullshit activities that do not focus on your vision. You focus and you be heard.

I am fearless about my convictions.  And I have faith that Lawton can handle this...I am not scared.

I will be starting the Community Diversity Project. A strictly GLBTQA organization that focuses on community education, fundraising and the needs of MY community as a whole.

Fraidy cats need not apply.

It's a nice day for a white wedding...

Determining my own self worth has been an issue my whole life. I, like most people of my generation, was lost somewhere between the entitlement of this generation, the race to the top of the 80s and our own Gen X slackerdom. I think as I approach  35 I am starting to feel like I am getting it together and fuck, all I have done is waste all this time.  I hate it but I refuse to hate myself for it. Shit, everyone makes crappy decisions, everyone finds their way when it's their time but as long as you own it,  no one can take that from you. When I think about what I "wish" I had done. I only have one wish left. And that is to have a marriage. And a family. Even if my kids are all adopted college kids and rescued dogs. But I want the wedding photo over the fireplace and the house where everyone has Sunday dinner. And how every weekend of college football my backyard smells like hamburgers and hot dogs. I want to read the paper in bed with my partner and fight over the remote. And force the others hand about closet space.

Normal. Routine. Heaven.

After 35 years of chaos, I am ready for that. Finally.

Again: No apologies. Re: Burn the Qu'ran

The beauty about blogging is that you can go on a tirade like I did yesterday and then today you can write about unicorns and the beauty of rainbows...then again this is my blog and I am not really a unicorn kinda gal and how do you follow up the most "read" thing you have ever written with a post about how cute my dog is? I mean I am going to be held to militant she-bitch persona to make sure my writing is being read?Am I that much of  a narcissist?

Is that what a blog is for...to express who we are and then hope people read it and agree with us or agree to disagree?? The jury is out. There is this pressure to write something with the same ferocity that I wrote yesterday's post. Every single one of the posts that people have responded to have been because my passion was evident in every single sentence of that post. But I have to tell you that is exhausting. I was drained after that blog. And I have a lot of things that I care about but so few that I am truly passionate about...I cannot do an impassioned blog about Peanut Butter. As much as I love it, it will not be that interesting. That I can promise you.

I never expect people to agree with me or my views all the time but as a Libra, I need balance and I do expect people to be fair. I get that those are unreal expectations. But by fair I mean, you hear me out, I will hear you out and if one of us backs down then we have reached a compromise. Sounds good right? Idyllic and romanticized notions of compromise...I should draft the Mid-East Peace Proposal.

I wanted to weigh on what Burn The Koran guy means to me and how I feel about September 11.

Burn the Quran guy, Terry Jones, is an extremist. Extremists desecrate things, they show lack of respect and they are cowards. They prey on the weak and innocent to perpetuate their rhetoric. The fact that he wants to do this on a day when other extremists did those very things is unforgivable. As a Buddhist, I am taught to value human life. As a human who woke up to that scene 9 years ago, it is hard to remember that Buddhist tenet.

That day, like everyone of you, is as real to me as it ever was...I can smell the oatmeal lotion my son wore and the exact t shirt he was wearing when I watched the second plane hit. I remember hugging my then partner so tight and never wanting to let go.

As soon as it was realized that the hijackers were of Middle Eastern descent, I ran to the computer and knew what I had to do...my dad is from Pakistan. He has lived in this country over 2/3 of his life. He became a United States citizen and served this country for over 20 years in the United States Army. He is also Muslim. My parents were recently divorced and my dad had moved to a community in Texas that had an active Muslim community. As I watched communities throw Molotov cocktails through the windows of mosques, I wanted to make sure my dad and his community were ok. Because I knew that HIS community was not responsible for this...this is not what I knew his Islam to be...

I emailed him and received a response pretty quickly.

"Amy, Thanks for asking. I am fine. We should have bombed those motherfuckers for the USS Cole when we had the chance. I am a U.S. soldier first. If they need me to go back, I will. Love, Dad"

My dad was an example that day. He did not want anyone fucking with his God or his country. And for American-Muslims, the extremists did both that day.

I will mourn the loss of everyone on September 11, I will mourn for the families that never get closure, for my son who has only grown up in this nation of fear and anxiety, for Muslims who have had an unrelenting attack of persecution on their faith.

***As I was about to post this, word came that he is cancelling the Burn The Quran***

Here comes the hate mail.

So I posted a link on my facebook where a state tea party president (since removed) made a joke about Matthew Sheppard and the way he was brutally murdered.

Of course, as a queer identified woman, this is upsetting. As a mother this is reprehensible. As a Buddhist this is an opportunity to prove that I can rise above my anger for him. But before I take the high road, I would like to say this:

Restoration is the name usually reserved for the period of rebuilding America after the Civil War. Part of the "Restoration" in America included things like taxing the fuck out of newly "freed" slaves to help offset the cost of the war. Dangling the proverbial carrot of things like property ownership and their half-assed attempt at citizenship was their way of offering "equal protection under the law".

Why use the word "Restoration"? If you restore something, the implication is that is it something was wrong with it, it was broken or damaged. After the Civil War, America was in fact, damaged. Financially, politically and physically. They had given their sons and most of them did not come home and now they had to rebuild. Now in America, we do not use the word "Restoration" when talking politics. We say things like "rebuild" and "create". Because these terms do not implicate that something is truly broken. These terms are not inflammatory. They do not suggest that America has failed America. That we have elected leaders who have failed us.

When people call for change (either camp, tea party, bleeding heart liberals etc) and feel the only way to get their point across is to unilaterally attack the civil liberties of a minority, I am not ok with that. EVER. When I think of the history of this country and it being hell bent on assimilation, I am enraged.

How dare we say that is not our past? Ask the millions of displaced Native Americans, the thousands of American born women of Mexican descent who were sterilized, the Japanese in interment camps, the Muslims not able to practice here in America (the country founded on freedom of religion, right? Just checking), Uncle Sam wants YOU to assimilate.

Mr. Douchey McGee from earlier who wants to joke about a dead kid,

You would be appalled if a joke was made about a dead soldier. That person would be verbally crucified and tried by your propaganda machine. And frankly, I think joking about someone who was literally crucified shows  your lack of vision for our country and why should I even care about what the tea party has to say? I care because the tax dollars of everyone in this country kept paying for a war(s) that has left our country damaged. We have sent sons, husbands and partners (Yes, gay soldiers have died, imagine.) to protect the ideals of America and democracy. You want the country to step away from the neo-socialism of Obama and return to what America is supposed to be about...democracy! The First Amendment of the Constitution guarantees you can say whatever the fuck you want. But as a woman, the 19th Amendment gives me the right to vote, and come November, you and your "visionaries" will have my response.

Amy

Whitney Houston, Menses and canned meat.

As I sit here to type,  I am doing desk drag. I am lip syncing for my life to Whitney Houston.  And let me tell you, I am good. And before you even ask, it is pre-crack Whitney. I was raised right.

So I would be remiss in the whole Reinvention of Amy if I did not share everything  I can about the process. Turns out while Wellbutrin helps me to cut back on smoking it makes my periods miserable. I mean fucking miserable. I want to lay in bed like Norma Desmond and tell everyone I am dying and have everyone visit me on my death bed. This is really not any different from my normal dramatic episodes but this time when everyone comes to see me I need chocolate.

I was eating Corned Beef Hash out of the can yesterday (strange for a foodie, I know) and my mom said

"you know who loves corned beef hash?"
"Who?"
"Your grandfather"
"He does enjoy canned meat"

Then I realized later that i was craving spam musabi. I too am a lover of canned meat.

I am Lola The Lotus

I found my way to Buddhism 7 years ago, specifically Nichiren Buddhism as practiced by the SGI-USA. I have struggled off and on with my faith. I have contemplated leaving a hundred times. When I started practicing and learning the tenets of Buddhism, I was excited and threw myself in with gusto...I did everything that was asked of me.

SGI-USA is an organization. It has leaders and positions that help promote dialogue and a deeper understanding of Buddhist theory. Those with a distaste for organized religion find a lot of the grievances they have with Judeo-Christain faiths, carry over when learning about SGI-USA. And I get that, I truly do.

One thing I have found in my own practice and the people around me is a lack of understanding about the strictness of Buddhism. Our sect will not make you give up all your possessions, it will not ask you to wear that orange thingy or have you rely on clergy to determine your worthiness. But Buddhism does require you to take responsibility for the karma you create. It requires that you hold compassion, gratitude, humility and service to your fellow man in the highest regard. It requires that you show actual proof every day that Buddhism works and it requires you to practice as if your life depends on it. And let's face it, it does.I didn't join Buddhism so I could remain unhappy. I joined because there was something missing in my life and it worked for me to fill the hole this way.

I find myself as I become healthier mentally and physically that a natural order of progression is to make strides spiritually. I intend to do that. And I find myself being strict with the people in my life much the way Buddhism is strict with me. I don't think that asking people to be the best version of themselves is a bad thing...or working towards that is a bad thing...I think accepting complacency from people I love is unacceptable and because Buddhism has been trying to teach me for 7 years that I am worth it, it is my turn to teach others that they are too

How I see Lawton and Oklahoma. My 2 cents.

I love Oklahoma. I know it sounds strange. Oklahoma is not known for its progressive attitude. But it has been my home for 20 years.

When I moved here from Georgia, I resented everything about Oklahoma. And then i started to come into my own and I started to own who I was and what was important to me.
And things like a sense of pride for our country and the way everyone claps when the state song is played...those things are why I love Oklahoma. When the directions are "past the second silo, turn at the cattle guard", that is why I love Oklahoma. When I see a transgender woman running for office against a hate monger is why I love Oklahoma. When people think that Oklahoma is not gay friendly and I remind them that our Pride parade has gotten bigger every year and that our businesses and nightlife cover 2 city blocks. That is why I love Oklahoma. In general.

And then I remember something that has affected me more than I ever thought...
I remember my senior year of high school, my class only ever won the spirit stick once. OUR SENIOR YEAR. Why does this matter now? Because that was my first taste of apathy. Apathy in particular in Lawton. Everyone was in such a rush to leave and get out of here and experience life elsewhere...and those of us that have stayed behind or found our way back time and time again have had that same air of apathy around us and have done our best to break through.

Lawton must do something right, it must not stifle us as bad as we think, I mean generations of us have left to take on big cities with big ideas and yet some of us have gone on to have the exact suburban life we DIDN'T want...someplace else...

I want better for Lawton. I want fear and the gridlock of apathy to be broken. I do not want to be scared about what people think, and most importantly I am tired of people underestimating my state and my town. Lawtonians are not stupid and we are not rednecks. We can handle tea parties and bleeding heart liberals. We can handle art that makes us think and oversized jewelery. We can handle fake tans and tree hugging lesbians.

We can handle it all. We are Oklahomans.